How Football Are You? : With the FIFA World Cup only three days away, it's time we tested your footballing credentials. We scored an embarrassingly obseessive 67/100, but we lost points through never having done the beast with two backs at a footie ground. Now it's your turn. It's a long list, but worth the effort...
1. Paid a tout over double the normal ticket price for a match ticket.
2. Had a piss on a football terrace.
3. Stopped off at a boozer, then decided to stay there and get slaughtered instead of going to the game.
4. Ran onto the pitch to celebrate a last-gasp injury time winner.
5. Shed a tear after a particularly sorry or harrowing defeat.
6. Told the irritating bastard next to you to shut up.
7. Spotted yourself on the terraces during Match of the Day.
8. Spent an entire day avoiding TV & radio to preserve the tension when you watch the match on telly that night.
9. Lied to your partner in order to go to a match.
10. Taken a youngster to their first game.
11. Finished a Panini sticker album.
12. Bought the away shirt which even you admitted was shit.
13. Had a row with your spouse because you went to the match instead of doing what they wanted to do.
14. Touched the ball when it went into the crowd.
15. Verbally abused a player and caught his attention.
16. Written your club's initials on a toilet wall/bus shelter.
17. Written a letter of complaint to your own or another club.
18. Followed your team on a trip abroad.
19. Ran up a phone bill full of ClubCall charges.
20. Had a drink with a player or ex-player from your team.
21. Owned a season ticket.
22. Gone in the away end to watch your team play at home.
23. Bought your club's end of season video - they year they got tonked every week and were relegated.
24. Phoned a friend back home to find out the footie results while on holiday.
25. Gone to watch a local team play when on holiday.
26. Gone to see the reserves play.
27. Been to every home game in a season.
28. Sponsored an item of a player's clothing.
29. Repainted or replaced something at home because its in opposition colours.
30. Invested in a club tattoo.
31. Hugged a complete stranger after your team scored.
32. Skived off work to travel to a midweek away fixture.
33. Queued up for more than 3 hours to buy a ticket.
34. Had a win on the pools.
35. Bought a product because its made by your clubs sponsors.
36. Been to an FA Cup Final.
37. Been booked while playing for your Sunday league side.
38. Watched the footie results come in on the TV in a shop window.
39. Seen your national side live.
40. Managed a fantasy league team
41. Refused to go to a friend's wedding because it was on a matchday.
42. Had a football dream about playing for your club.
43. Met George Best, Jimmy Hill, Paul Gasgoigne, Bobby Charlton or your own footie hero.
44. Seen John Burridge play.
45. Bribed a turnstile operator to let you into an all-ticket game.
46. Been in a Executive or Director's box.
47. Climbed something to watch a match from outside the ground.
48. Owned a "Rothman's Football Yearbook"
49. Put a poster of your team on your wall at home or work.
50. Never left a match before hearing the final whistle.
51. Written something for a fanzine.
52. Followed a match's progress for the entire 90 minutes on Teletext.
53. Shamelessly convinced a young and impressionable relative that they should support your club.
54. Driven to another part of the country to listen to a match on local radio.
55. Watched an entire episode of "Nationwide League Extra"
56. Watched footie on the telly or listened on the radio while shagging.
57. Read Nick Hornby's tale of following the Gooners, "Fever Pitch"
58. Seen the File "Escape to Victory" at least 3 times
59. Been ejected from a ground.
60. Stayed up all night drinking after a famous victory.
61. Taken a piece of terracing or turf as a souvenir.
62. Scored a goal in "Subbuteo".
63. Started the singing in the crowd during a game.
64. Smashed something in anger after a heinous defeat.
65. Copied a player's haircut.
66. Visited your team's ground during the close season.
67. Watched every televised match during a World Cup.
68. Seen a World Cup match in person.
69. Had sex at a ground.
70. Fallen out with a friend or relative over club rivalry.
71. Bought a Sky dish purely for the football.
72. Put one of those shite club windscreen sticker in your car.
73. Stood in an unprotected part of the ground in the pissing rain for 90 minutes.
74. Asked your partner to wear your club's shirt during sex.
75. Successfully explained the offside rule to someone who doesn't have a clue.
76. Traveled to a match on a football special.
77. Been to at least half the League grounds in the country.
78. Successfully named your club's entire squad from memory.
79. Relayed a top comedy anecdote about Brian Clough.
80. Been to an away match in the Auto Windscreen's Shield, Zenith Data Systems Cup, Simod Cup, Anglo Italian Cup or InterToto cup.
81. Read a "Roy of the Rovers" annual from cover to cover.
82. Been presented with a birthday cake in your club's colours.
83. Phoned a football radio call-in show.
84. Smashed a window with a football.
85. Watched all 120 minutes of the 1966 World Cup Final.
86. Gone home early from a good night in the pub to watch Match of the Day.
87. Applied for a job in football.
88. Parked illegally outside a ground to make sure you got in in time for kick-off.
89. Dressed a pet or a baby in your club's colours for a photo.
90. Had a conversation about football with a complete stranger.
91. Bough your team's crap "We're Gonna Win the Cup" single
92. Sounded an air horn at a match.
93. Hurled abuse at the furry club mascot.
94. Had a kickaround at the service station on an away trip.
95. Waited outside the player's entrance to get autographs.
96. Scored a goal that would have looked good in the Premier league.
97. Gone to watch park football when your team's match has been postponed.
98. Kept a football up for more than 20.
99. Paid good money for a classic match programme.
100. Travelled 8,000 miles for the World Cup.
Who's in the bog then? A true story from the files of Scaryduck: Kids! Drink and work never mix, this cautionary tale being all the proof you'll need. A few years ago and in a semi-drunken state fuelled by the boss's free Christmas booze the lads in our small (yet vitally important) side-office decided it was high time we relived our schooldays with one or two schoolboy pranks to (and I quote) "Get the other miserable bastards in the Christmas mood".
The boss's cigarettes were sellotaped under his desk until he went mad with craving. How we laughed. Unpopular colleagues had drawing pins placed on their seats. How we laughed again. Staff returning from the canteen balancing cups of tea were pelted with elastic bands and paperclips. Fits of laughter.
It was only when we started running into the bogs, hammering on the cubicle doors and taunting the occupants with cries of "Who's in the bog then?" that we came unstuck. Our giggling turned to barely disguised horror as the bog door was flung open by a familiar-looking man-mountain with the roar of "Who's playing silly buggers in the toilets?"
Matt managed to squeak a tremulous "Christ on a f---ing bike, it's only Brian bloody Blessed!" as the rest of us shat ourselves at the impending pounding that seemed, at the time, inevitable. We legged it. We managed, somehow, to keep our jobs, but alas, people on high had noticed and we were soon split up. Still, we'll always have Brian Blessed.
I Love Spam : episode 4,236: You may already know that I've got a bit of a thing for spam e-mails. As far as I'm concerned, the more outrageous, the better. These are the finest minds of our generation, at the cutting edge of the new media advertising industry, where the subject line is king as spelling doesn't matter.
If I can snort with laughter at "XXX FLABBY BITCH ACTOIN" or "HOMOSEXUAL LESBIANS GETING DIRTY" (I was unaware there was more than one kind of lesbian), then my day is complete. On a daily basis, I'm encouraged to CLICK HERE for a buck naked Britney or J Lo, herbal alternatives to viagra, breast enlarging creams and daily exercises to turn my todger into a whopper. They all remain resolutely unclicked.
So, this morning I was completely knocked sideways by the best spam mail I have ever received. And I quote: "Do you have a septic tank?" Oh my God, what kind of filthy perverts are these? Nope, it turns out that these people are using the medium of mass mailing to come and pump out my cesspit. If I had one. Superb. I'll be getting mail from online fish-filleters and people offering to wipe my arse for a small fee next. I love the web.
Scaryduck recommends: I've got my filthy little hands on Vapor Trails, the new long player by Canadian genii Rush. It rocks. Honestly. Normally on a blog, there'll be a link right here to amazon or similar where you can by the thing and earn me a commision into the bargain. But there isn't because I'm like that. If you want it go and buy it yourself. I've got a lot of time for Rush recently, having rediscovered them following the unfortunate selling of my CD collection to pay off a mountain of debt a few years ago.
And while you're there, get hold of the autobiography of British comedian Frank Skinner, worth it just for the story about dwarf wrestling, which had me crying with laughter on a crowded train between Bournemouth and Reading last Friday night. Frank's one ugly spud, but he likes his football and anal sex (rather too much to be healthy, to be honest) and gives good stand-up.
And just to prove what a tight-wad I really am, I just picked up a second hand copy of Se7en on DVD at a car boot sale for very little money at all. Now, there's definately not going to be a link to Amazon for that little purchase. Anyone got a cheap slide projector for sale or give-away? Seriously, I need one, pronto.
Hi honey, I'm home!: I'm back from the world tour, a strange shade of purple and rather fatter and hairier. And what do I get after a month of mind expanding travel, experiencing the American consumer culture at first hand? Answer: a "What shit are you?" internet quiz. There must be more to life than this.