Wa-hey-hey! Your old pal Robber Rabbit back again with 100% genuine tat ...err... bargains what you can buy off the old internet. All completely genuine offers, as long as you’ve got a valid credit card and a forgiving postman. Or, in the case of the Russian weapons outlets, government licences in triplicate and a paypal account. Or better still, be like me, an' 'ave 'em away when nobody's looking. Solid.
* Need a tank? Plane? Missile Launcher? Landing craft? Try Rosboronexport - the Russian government's one-stop shop for military hardware. Anything a power-hungry dictator or millionaire enthusiast could ever wish for. A bit light on the old price list, mind.
* If, on the other hand, it’s a small regional war you're waging, why not try out the combat-proven effectiveness of the Israelis? Same difference, only without having to pretend you support Chelsea. Just right for urban warfare and shooting up refugee camps!
* A chicken plucking machine, probably good for plucking pheasants, too.
* Buy a cement mixer, because you never know when you might need one.
* I didn't realise how hard it was to find a bin lorry on the internet. Still, you can now shift your shit with this exclusive interweb offer.
* Never use that old "the bus was late" excuse ever again! Get your own London double decker bus!
* What the world really needs: a vending machine that makes chips. Never have to cook again!
* Second hand submarines - because you never know when those ice caps are going to melt. I've got six.
* Better still, better buy a Zeppelin.
* For the penguin in your life: a fish filleter, genuine internet tat at only $39.95 (add 5% sales tax if you live in Wisconsin).
* Need a hard looking bloke to duff up terrorists? Or just feel the urge to hang around with hard looking blokes? Get one of these top notch bodyguards, and never have sand kicked in your face again. As nails, 100% guaranteed.
* And because we can: Buy a dalek - both hetero and gay versions available.
* President? Dictator? Worried about losing the next election? Cover all the bases with a completely 100% secure (honest, guv) voting machine. "I heartily endorse this fine service or product" - President George W Bush.
That's your lot for now. If there's anything you want me to find, leave your suggestion in the comments bin an' I'll slap it up on my Internet Tat Page. Still on the lookout for a jetpack and a monkey butler. Anyone got a carrot?
Now, that's what I call a scary duck.
Yarks! The blodging has been a bit light on the old Scary Stories of late, so we'll put this right on Monday with a brand new tale of mirth and woe. Choose from:
* Fireworks - explosive woe
* Golf - sporting woe (featuring girls' arses)
* Laboratory of woe - woe, in a laboratory
* Any number between one and thirty-two corresponding to an as yet unwritten story. Mirth and woe guaranteed.
Speak your brains-o!