Is it the end of the month already? Time for another slice of wanton doom, death, destruction and home cooking.
Aries: Destiny sees your name selected for an important governmental duty. You will be sacrificed to the Greek Gods to ensure the success of London’s Olympic bid. Count yourself priveleged, it was either you or Fatima Whitbread.
Lucky cricketer: Ian Botham
Taurus: A long forgotten family secret is revealed, and you must now live with the knowledge that TV’s Noel Edmonds is your father. Good thing you haven’t found out that thing about Su Pollard...
Lucky condom: Durex Elite
Gemini: The war against drugs may have been won, but you try telling that to those Secret Service guys outside your house. Fates sees an encounter with a tall, dark stranger and a catering size bucket of KY Jelly.
Lucky bone: Fibula
Cancer: This month’s full moon in Uranus sees friends, family and fortune flocking to your door as your popularity reaches new heights. Only joking. It’s Ebola again.
Lucky country: Iran
Leo: Saint Margaret descends from on high to reveal that you are a direct descendant of Joan of Arc. We strongly advise against playing with matches.
Lucky goat: Angora
Virgo: Weeping, wailing, the great gnashing of teeth. Blood-sucking demons walk the Earth next month, preying on virgins for their foul flesh-ripping rituals. Unfortunately, they’re also slightly illiterate.
Lucky Penguin: Adelie
Libra: A bizarre set of circumstances involving a Tesla Coil, six kilos of enriched uranium and a vat of chocolate flavour ice cream sees you proving Albert Einstein wrong and becoming the first human to travel at faster the speed of light. You will also be the first person to find out if your major organs work outside your body. But, as they say, c’est la vie. Or not, rather.
Lucky Sherpa: Tensing Norgay
Scorpio: SpongeBob Squarepants is a cute little cartoon fella that lives under the sea. Destiny sees an unpaid debt to the local mob, and the strong possibility that you will be joining him.
Lucky OMD single: Enola Gay
Sagittarius: Destiny sees an unfortunate misprint in the new edition of your local phone book, the delivery of thirty five tonnes of hardcore Danish pornography and an encounter with “Bubba” in the prison showers. Destiny can be a real bugger sometimes.
Lucky TV Detective: Ironside
Capricorn: It is in your nature to be worshipped and venerated by those around you. Lucky you, then, that November 1st is the Day of the Dead as you'll be guaranteed a bit of worshipping at least once a year. Oh. Are you still here?
Lucky Haircut: Mullet
Aquarius: “You can’t sneeze with your eyes open” says conventional wisdom. Congratulations on being the first person ever to see the back of their head without an elaborate series of mirrors.
Lucky Holiday Camp: Butlins
Pisces: Creatures from the Cthulhu mythos? Surely they exist only in the deranged mind of HP Lovecraft and his twisted followers. We’re not entirely sure ourselves, but destiny sees more tentacles than you can shake a shitty stick at, and a six hour wait sitting on a rubber ring in your local emergency room.
Lucky Greek Island: Lesbos
If it’s your birthday: I think you’ll find that you were adopted, given away by disgusted parents at the sight of your twisted features and brutal nature. You missed your real birthday last month, nobody came and nobody cared. You know that song “Eleanor Rigby”? That might as well be about you. And you smell of poo.
"Nigerian Scam/Tentacle crossover"
I noted with interest this week, the swearing-in of Olusegun Obasanjo for his second term of President of Nigeria. In his inauguration speech to a nation beset by religious strife, political intrigue and corruption, he called for peace, unity, trust and YOUR BANK DETAILS AND FAX NUMBER IN THE CONFIDENTIAL MATTER OF TRANSFERRING NINETY-TWO MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS TO YOUR COUNTRY. I GOT YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS FROM YOUR COUNTRY'S EMBASSY, MONEY IS CURRENTLY IS SAFE BOX MARKED "TRACTOR PARTS FOR EXPORT ONLY".
Sounds a totally reasonable offer if you ask me.
And while we're brushing by the subject of foul Lovecraftian tentacled creatures in the Horror-scopes, I received this 'ere linky from Joy. An object lesson in dealing with those Nigerian scammers if ever I saw one.
Tentacles are great, aren't they? On the Scaryduck list of top three things I can't live with, I put them right up there with pickled onions and kittens. In a jar.
Thank Cthulhu that Kitten Week is over. It was driving me mad with its fluffiness and wanton cuteness. Regular bloggage starts... about ten minutes ago.