TV's Mr Biffo wrote yesterday on the futility of Friends Reunited, the 'find your old school friends' website that everybody uses, but nobody admits to.I admit, like Biffus (who is madly plugging his yet-to-be-published-but-certain-to-be-excellent book), that even after the initial flurry when the site was fresh and new, and you didn't mind paying the fiver for full membership, I still lavish care and attention on my Friends Reunited profile. It is, after all, a public shop window for your life, and people you once invested quality time on might be looking. Not to mention that bastard who flushed your trainers down the toilet.
But bollocks to that. Since the site was bought up by clearly bat-shit insane ITV executives (I've heard sums of between 120m to 180m pounds for the sale), they've upped the membership to fifteen quid a year and have been plugging it remorselessly at every opportunity.
The trouble is, everybody who signed up in 2001 knows that once you've emailed every single person you once knew and got a "Who the hell are you?" back from your former best friend (the micro-cocked gimpoid), the whole thing is reduced to an exercise in futility. A slight detail that ITV somehow overlooked when lamp-eyed executives got their chequebook out.
So. Let's have some fun, shall we? My profile is currently the most dreadful bit of self-promotion telling the world how excellent I am, how big my beach-front house is, and buy my book if you don't mind. Or rather, it was.
Senior journalist at the BBC World Service - Married, kids, dog, living in Dorset - look for my book on Amazon.
Awful, don't you think?
Anyone fool enough to search for me on that site now gets this:
Jacked in the rat-race and have recently turned professional in the highly-competitive world of pub sports.
* Runner-up in the Belgian National Pinball Championships 2005. Came second to a deaf, dumb and blind kid. LOLz.
* Winner, Wales and West Trivial Pursuit Tournament, Aberystwyth 2006 - shown LIVE on S4C!!!
* Hoping to represent Northern Ireland at Competitive Team Dominos in the forthcoming World Championships in Beijing, qualifying through the 'Granny' rule.
* Just secured a sponsorship deal with a well-known brand of dog food - got a life-time's supply!!!!
Married to my skittles doubles partner - she really "bowled" me over! ROFL!!1!
Free any time for drinks except Tuesdays (my Alc Anon night - great people who party HARD)!!!
That is, I think, exactly 192% better.
As a Brucie Bonus, here is an alternative profile that I might still use some day:
Failed all my A-Levels
University degree in 2005
Celebrating fifteen years of marriage
Kids in secondary school
Years spent in the same job
Online journalist for the BBC
Upping sticks for abroad, soon
Award-winning writer and journalist
Look for my book on Amazon
Love to hear from you
Your turn.
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