The Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of rating things, again
It's that time of year again, where the sun is shining, the sky is blue, rabbits are no longer bummy* and the fashion police have decreed - for a thirteenth summer on the trot - that tight, white t-shirts are de rigeur for young ladies. Not that I'm looking, of course.
This all means that the Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of rating things for excellence is up for its annual review, as we dip into the zeitgeist of all things manky. Your suggestions, then, for 2007 replacements for any of the following.
I mean, whatever happened to Titmuss? And with Church in the family way, there are clearly vacancies at number 15 and Skank Central:
0. Abi Titmuss
1. Ann Widdecombe giving you the eye
2. Margaret Thatcher leather whip “happy finish” massage
3. Clare Short on page three of the Sun
4. Vanessa Feltz in a negligee, selling a flash of her pinkness for a packet of chips
5. Jade Goody delivering the Reith Lecture in the nip, innit
6. An unshaven Tracey Emin, squatting over a canvas, asking for your help with her next 'art' piece
7. The Princess Anne unnamed many-tentacled woe
8. Lorraine Kelly taking advantage of Eamonn Holmes' morning glory with a chirpy "Och, there you go then!"
9. Cherie Blair strap-on action
10. Locked in a cupboard, on a cruise ship, with Charlie Dimmock and her water feature
11. Susie Dent in shiny black rubber mini-dress, looking up swears in the dictionary while Carol Vorderman rubs herself against a bollard for one easy, monthly payment
12. Emma Thomspon on a street corner asking for "business"
13. Katy Hill and Janet Ellis eating a banana suggestively
14. Felicity Kendall wrapped in clingfilm, with Penelope Keith talking dirty in the background
15. Charlotte Church on her knees, begging for forgiveness, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand
16. Konnie Huq in a bath of beans, whilst Zoe Salmon scrubs her back with a french stick
17. Kate Humble in a wet T-shirt competition
18. Kate Winslet keeping her clothes on, mostly
19. Nigella Lawson whipping up a creamy sauce
20. Sarah Beeny wrestling Kirstie Allsopp in a paddling pool filled with baby oil
* Alas, our little film production enterprise was rumbled by Mrs Duck, who failed to see the funny side, our protestations that "It's the result of an all-male environment" falling on deaf ears. Which is fair enough, to be honest, and it's a marvel what the introduction of a couple of girlie bunnies will do to otherwise rampantly bummy rabbits.