Last year, you may remember Operation Manky Garden, in which I spent my summer planting, nurturing and completely failing to grow a crop of tomatoes with seeds launched from my own poo.
With red hot summer just a couple of weeks away, lasting from February to November as it does these days, it is time I girded my loins and flexed my manly buttocks for another go.
Not put off by my awful failure in the intestino-horticultural arts, I fully intend to repeat the stunt again this year, only with a much more thorough science-led approach. Frankly, I doubt if Alan Titchmarsh, Monty Don or even the fragrant Rachel de Thame would have crouched over a hole in the ground, straining out a turd in the folorn hope that anything good might come out of it.
Instead, I'm going to do this properly. There will be control samples, store bought seeds and source fruit, and a number of varieties, nourished by fertilizer and "mulch" from various sources. As a regular viewer of Gardeners World, I know for a fact that Monty Don is huge on "mulching", the manky bugger, and I intend to mulch as much as I can in my garden, right up to the moment I get an ASBO, or I move house.
So: I might need your help here. Obviously, tomatoes seem to be a rather more complex proposition than I first thought, and may result in repeated failure, or at the very least, a rather dodgy clause in the forthcoming sale documents for Scaryduck Towers. In which case, I ask:
- What additional crops - apart from a peach, obviously - should I be growing?
- When is the ideal time to plant?
- Should I be employing a rudimentary form of crop rotation so I can enjoy the bounty of my bum-harvest all year round?
- Do you think the dog Lucy Minogue might provide an extra source of planting through her industrial strength dog eggs?
- What are the pros and cons of window boxes in the pursuit of bum-fruit gardening?
This is important, dammit. This is science.
Also: Following a shameless begging e-mail from the webmaster a certain Ireland-based football website, plz to take time to vote for top reads Arseblog, Pandemian and My Boyfriend is a Twat in the 2007 Bloggie Awards.
That is all.