Wednesday, January 02, 2013

SHOPS: Get a music policy so I can hate you some more

There's a local night club I pass on my crawl to work that has a notice by the door helpfully telling people what to expect once they get through the door. Under a photo of a classy couple in a frankly improbable pose (when in reality it should show a drunken Trevor screaming "I REALLY FANCY YOU" over the music into the ear of an equally drunken Sharon) come the words:

Music Policy: RNB, Hip-Hop and Commercial house
Now, I'm sure that this translates as "Music Policy: Shit", but I like the idea of there being a music policy notice outside the door of any business where music is played. That way, the prospective customer gets the chance to make up their mind whether they're going to go in or not, knowing that they could escape a chance encounter with Simply Red.

The music policy notices of a few of the places I've been in recent weeks might look like this:
Barber shop: Commercial FM radio, the wailing souls of the dead

Dentist: Beastie Boys - Ill Communication
B&Q: Sound-alike, royalty-reduced cover versions of popular chart hits
Starbucks: Selections from the works of the composer Edvard Grieg. Presumably royalty- and tax-free
Big-brand shops shop: Gangsta Rap, complete with swears and old ladies complaining to the manager
Asda: "Asda FM" in-store radio featuring chart hits. WARNING: My also encourage customers to sing along tunelessly, slumped over the bar of the supermarket trolley like they've had all the bones in the upper part of their body removed.

It's also a handy guide to where I ought to be sending the Death Squads in those bloody and confused days after the Glorious Revolution. B&Q - you have been warned.


Steve said...

Back last year when I was working in a supermarket filling shelves, I had a customer complain about the volume of the music. I went upstairs to pass on said customer's complaints and try to get it turned down because, let's face it, he only had to put up with it for about a half hour, I was there for at least three hours. Turned out it was my my missus, who worked upstairs, that had turned the volume up in the first place.

Richard said...

Co-Op FM very ocften plays really obscure top tunes straight out of the 6Music playlist. Have often extended my wander around the orange labels