Complete bollocks, I say! (6, 10)

Complete bollocks, I say! (6, 10)

I can't do cryptic crosswords. What in the name of hiary plums are they all about then? I consider myself the supreme intellect, but there's something not quite right about people who know the answer to "Iris's snuggled up to Welshman's pole (9)". Nope, I haven't got a clue, either.

Those who claim they can do The Times crossword in four minutes are obviously making it up as they go along, confidently writing "Hgamftamth" in nine across to impress the rest of First Class on their communter train of a morning. And what, I ask, are these so-called intelligent people doing reading The Times in the first place?

Nope, the work of evil, and there's no way I will be smugly convinced otherwise.

Got your number

Amongst the rash of 118 numbers that followed the opening up to competition (ie complete buggering) of the Directory Enquiries market, it turns out that the best of the bunch is the one of the smallest with the lowest advertising spend.

You can forget your crap seventies retro 118 118 and all the others (Orange, BT and ...err.. Tescos score particularly badly) - a survey has found that 118 429 is the most likely to find you the right number at the least cost. 118 429, and I kid you not, is Gay Directory Enquiries. They've REALLY got your number.

What's Gay Directory Enquiries, you ask. I'm not even going to ring to find out, but my friend Big Gay Ernie* tells me they're probably exactly the same as straight directory enquiries, but gayer and shag on the first date. I know nothing of the art of gayness, except for the fact that Naked Blog reckons this site is obviously in touch with its female side. I couldn't possibly comment.

I think it's a fantastic idea and look forward to the ranting Daily Mail editorial.

* Gay and proud, can spot a fellow club member at 100 yards; this is Big Gay Ernie's favourite gay joke:

Q: Where do lesbians go on a second date?
A: Househunting.

Q: Where do gay men go on a second date?
A: What second date?

He tells me this is deep philosophy of the human psyche, apparantly, and 100 per cent of FACT!