The Return of Internet Strangeness

The Return of Internet Strangeness

Your cut-out-and-keep souvenir special edition commemorating the weird, weird people I mix with on the internet. I really ought to get out more.

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* "There are only two things I can't stand. Incest and Morris dancing."

* "Fox hunting should be replaced by Chav hunting, in Stevenage. I would pay good money to see those Burberry cap/England top wearing tossers chased across a field by a large pack of dogs. "

* "I am so upset with myself. I feel I have let my peers down. I passed David Blunkett in the street earlier and DIDN'T punch him in the face. I'm so ashamed."
"Damn right. After all, it's not like he could have identified you."
"Although you could be totally wrong there. Haven`t you seen that Lionel Ritchie video? He`ll identikit you using clay and a copy of 'Unchained Melody'"
"There's only one thing to do. Mix all the clay in the world with Pedigree Chum, and even if he does a good likeness, the guide dog'll eat it."

* "I'm going to kick all your teeth out and make you eat corn-on-the-cob."

* "After long, careful consideration and a period of quiet meditation, it is my erstwhile opinion that Jesus would slap the shit out of you."

* "I'm so confused these days, even going to the toilet is an adventure. Good God, this must be what it feels like to be President."

* "Why does every google image search I do get me badly drawn furry porn?"

* First they came for the Jews, but I did nothing because I'm not a Jew. Then they came for the socialists, but I did nothing because I'm not a socialist. Then they came for the Catholics, but I did nothing because I'm not a Catholic. Finally, they came for Robert Kilroy-Silk, and I said "He's over there, behind the wardrobe".

* "I rang my Mum the other day, and she thought I was my dad. We now have exactly the same voice."
"Did you talk dirty to her before letting on?"

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Achtung!: Never run with scissors! Former Chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson did, and now he's called Nigella. You have been warned.

Peel

Gutted. That is all.