TWAT Update

TWAT update

Joan Collins shut your big, fat whinging UKIP-supporting gob. It's no use complaining that you keep getting singled out for security searches whenever you travel.

It's people like you that the authorities should be keeping a special eye on. Perhaps, and this is just a guess, you should stop dressing like a terrorist whenever you go to the airport. Don't you realise there's a war on? The world's war president said so.

I've read Glamorama - a Brett Easton Ellis tale of global terrorism, where the protagonists live above suspicion thanks you their lives as international jet-setting supermodels. It's also got the filthiest sex scene of any book ever - Joan could do better than showing it to her sister in the hope that she might finally see the light and give up writing. And Joan should also note that it is listed as non-fiction*.

Any road up, we all know by now that Al Qaeda is a myth concocted by US hawks to instill fear and loathing on a terrified population - which means that somebody famous has got to be strip-searched in public to keep The War Against Terror in the news, and it might as well be you, Joan.

You don't hear David Bowie complaining, and he gets the latex glove treatment every time he boards a 747. As a matter of fact, he makes a scene if he doesn't get his usual "personal treatment".

If you ask me, we should treat all travelling celebrities with the utmost suspicion. In this age of global satellite links, there should be no reason for anyone famous to travel anywhere except between Notting Hill, Gstaad and the old peoples' home they dumped their mum the second she became embarrassing.

And if they do feel the need to go anywhere, it should be under a universal "Don't You Know Who I Am" passport the size of a novelty birthday card, entitling the holder to free drugs, booze and a joyless, lubricant-free bunk-up with Kate Moss.

Kate Moss**, you'll be pleased to learn will get special supermodel treatment under the new regime. She can fuck herself.

* May not be entirely true.
** "The world's stupidest person" - Popbitch