Old Duck's Almanack

Old Duck's Almanack

What's in store for 2005? Old Duck sees all, talks crap.

January: The year starts with a bang as George W Bush confuses his swearing-in as US President with a meeting of the Grand Order of the Mongoose, whipping his pecker out in front of the world's media with a cry of "How's that for a wardrobe malfunction?" He then sends a message of congratulations to the voter in the Iraqi election, won by the Republican Party in a landslide.

February: Scandal rocks the world of entertainment as Jennifer Lopez marries Liz Taylor, Britney Spears and Liza Minelli in an eight day period after DNA testing proves that she is a brickie from Limerick called Seamus. Shocked at the revelations, her arse goes solo, and carves out a career as the mountain in the remake of The Eiger Sanction.

March: Tony Blair calls a snap election, only to be turfed out of office by the Charlie Dimmock-led Lightly-Oiled-Floozies-off-the-TV party. Kirstie Allsopp's first act as a Chancellor is to abolish tax on baby oil; while home secretary Sarah Beeney enforces a minimum 42-DD standard for all women in public office.

April: Scandal rocks the Dimmock government as it emerges that the Floozie Party received substantial payments from the National League of Hairy-Palmed Perverts and Onanists to appear topless during Prime Minister's Questions. The Floozie government collapses, to be replaced by a coalition led by Anne Widdecombe and Maureen from Driving School. A nation mourns.

May: A shock result in the FA Cup Final as a zombie team led by Bobby Moore and Sir Stanley Matthews lift the trophy after a crushing 37-0 win over Manchester United whilst feasting on their spicy brains. Only Wayne Rooney is spared.

June: A bad month for the bookies as Elvis is found alive, well and living in the White House, where his cover as a charmless, bumbling idiot is blown after a visit from the only man who can identify him - Richard Nixon.

July: Bored with the fact that there is no Olympic games, World Cup football, or any major sporting event planned for this summer, England and Germany get together in Malaga for a few beers, followed by the mother off all fist-fights. ("LIVE! and EXCLUSIVE! on ITV2!"). France is also invited, but is put off by talk of "an early bath".

August: The football season kicks off with FA Cup Winners Zombie United taking on Anne Widdecombe and Maureen from Driving School in the Charity Shield. The Zombie flee the pitch after minutes, as do the spectators when the two remaining players swap shirts at full time.

September: Panic grips the nation as the town of Warrington mysteriously disappears during the National Pie-Eating Finals ("LIVE! and EXCLUSIVE! on ITV2!"). The town is eventually found at the home of Carol Vorderman, where she is preparing to send Ikea back piece-by-piece, along with a ransom demand made up of Countdown letters, and a selection of numbers "from the top and second row, please".

October: A blow for the Anne Widdecombe government as it transpires that the PM is the only woman on God's Earth not to have seen Boris "Shagger" Johnson in the buff. An appointment is made with a shell-shocked Dale Winton acting as an independent witness, but it is too late to save her shattered reputation. Resigning in disgrace, she is replaced by a triumphant towsel-haired Shagger, who immediately waives all taxes on vibrating beds in hotels.

November: A nation is stunned by the latest immoral stunt by the Fathers 4 Justice pressure group. Discarding their Batman, Superman and CompleteAndUtterTwatMan costumes in favour of normal clothing, they stun the country by taking their kids to the zoo, followed by a quiet night at home with a video and a takeaway.

December: A new craze sweeps the nation - dogging - where like-minded people congregate in public areas with the help of mobile phones and the internet, and take their dogs for a walk.

2006: More of the same, only with knobs on. George Bush discovers to the cost of the Western World that the letters MILF stand for more than just the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, and is subsequently found face down in the gutter outside a Women's Institute meeting.

Return of the fallen woman

The world famous award-winning hoor-blogger that I didn't vote for Belle du Jour has a book out this month, about her not-made-up-at-all hooring adventures.

It's already on Amazon for pre-order, and in a special offer you can by his/her masterpiece along with another famous work of fiction on a related topic:

"Perfect Partner
Buy Belle De Jour: Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl with Moby Dick today! £10.59"

This guy I worked with once had Moby Dick. He cleared it up with antibiotics.