Gong

Ivan Noble 1965-2005

Ivan Noble died yesterday. He will be sadly missed by his family, friends and former colleagues, not to mention the thousands he reached through his tumour diaries on BBC Online.

I feel humbled to have worked with him as a BBC colleague for several years. Rest in Peace.

Gong

There have been many complaints over recent centuries that the British honours system has been devalued beyond repair by the rewarding of gongs to undeserving, untalented no-marks, usually for services rendered to a compliant government. I point the finger, in particular, at Lord Jeffrey Archer, Sir Cliff Richard, and of course Wee Jimmy Krankie MBE.

Even the recent elevation of so-called "people's peers" have gone, in the main, to establishment figures, with nary a milkman, pole-dancer or lightly-oiled TV celebrity* amongst them.

To redress the balance, it is our intention to petition the government and force them (by crapping through the letterbox at Number Ten if necessary) to dish out honours to people who really deserve them. We, as a nation, need more Sir Les Batterbys, Dame Dot Cottons and Lord Scary Ducks.

Suggest-me-do!

*Sarah Beeny MBE, OBE [for services to the baby oil and badger-greasing industries] - what a lovely pair of gongs. I'll get me coat.