TV Gone Home

TV programmes they really ought to make

1. Oh Dr Shipman - in which the cast of Hi-De-Hi, working on a sleepy railway branch line, are bumped off one-by-one by a bearded serial killer.

2. Doctor Whom - in which a timelord from the Planet Gallifrey is stalked by a pedant clutching a dictionary

3. Big Cook, Little Cock - in which Ainsley Harriott comes to terms with his feelings of inadequacy with recipes for carrots, parsnips and German knockwurst.

4. MiddleEastEnders - in which a truck bomber finally does for the Queen Vic.

5. Changing Wombs - Carol Smilie and Anna Ryder Richardson undergo several hours of painful, unnecessary surgery.

6. Top "Gear": TV's Jeremy Clarkson, Quentin Wilson and that other smug bloke get off their faces on a variety of drugs and then attempt to test drive the latest Nissan, giggling hysterically about the shape of the gear stick and trying to avoid the purple garden gnomes.

7. Ask the Family: Comedy quiz show starring David Blunkett and half the population of Britain, as they attempt to find who got Kimberley "Bury me in a Y-shaped coffin" Quinn up the duff.

8. Wish You Were Hair: Celebrity baldies Bobby Charlton, Neil Kinnock and Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen (don't be fooled - it's a syrup) undergo hours of painful cosmetic surgery with the aid of a Singer sewing machine to restore a full flowing mane to these pathetic examples of humanity. Hosted by Jimmy Carr.

9. Al Jazz Era: Weird Al Yankovic-fronted documentary on the history of Jazz music in the Middle East. Featuring the Al-Aqsa Martyr's Brigade Suicide Quartet.

10. Most Haunted Live: In which Derek, Yvette and co tour the Brixham area in search of Scary's Haunted Holiday ghost. No, hang on, that's actually on tonight.