On pianos

On pianos

This mystery piano bloke, wondering around the Home Counties impressing the philistines with the bloody awful Warsaw Concerto - it's all a ruse, if you ask me.

If you ask me, it's exactly like that episode of Colditz, the one where the fella pretended to go mad so the Nazis would send him home.

"Tell you what," says Coldplay’s potato-faced ivory-tinkling frontman Chris Martin, "I'll pretend to be mental, get loads of free publicity, shift shedloads of our new album and become a famous concert pianist, finally being taken seriously as a musician into the bargain. Yay me!"

Except be REALLY DOES GO MENTAL and ends up a gibbering wreck somewhere in Kent.

Kids: Don't pretend to be mad, or you'll have Jimmy Saville applying electrodes to your genitals before you know it.

Take a look at this picture and tell me I’m not making this crap up.

PS I am not mad. Nor can I play the piano.

Bad Pun News

Tragic news for toddler, students and layabouts everywhere with the news that the BBC has cancelled Balamory. However, all is not lost – the series about everybody’s favourite Scotch island, featuring asexual police officers and a pre-school teacher with teeth like gravestones has been snapped up by Middle-Eastern broadcaster Al Jazeera.

Remade for Arab audiences, the new programme will be called Allahmory*.

I’ll get me coat.

* This gag has been tested for blasphemy on Arab colleagues, who tell me we're outside the fatwa season.

Vote? No! Again

A long weekend means no Thursday vote-o, but you’ll be pleased to hear that tomorrow’s topical Scary Story will involve both a) Star Wars and b) poo. And on The Dark Side, they don’t wash their hands.