Weird dreams

Weird dreams

Weird Dream 1: The other night I dreamed I was on a coach holiday. It was a grand tour of Roman ruins, and I was jammed onto a coach with a large group of pensioners. The driver and tour guide was Kevin McCloud - author, designer and presenter of Channel 4's Grand Designs, who ruled the bus with a rod of iron and took great pleasure in tripping up old ladies as they tried to get off.

He took us to view some rather spectacular ruins, but refused to let anyone off the bus when we got there. Instead he took a last-minute diversion and insisted on showing explaining to us the architectural merits of a row of Portaloos and a rubbish skip. Then he stuck his finger up my nose.

Your dream explained: Steer clear of male Channel 4 presenters. It's Kirstie and Sarah you'll be wanting.

Weird Dream 2: On Friday night, I dreamt I was in a huge inter-planetary battle against Space Hitler. In fact, my first words when waking up on Saturday were "Got to stop Space Hitler!"

Luckily, we had Space Stalin, Space Vera Lynn and Romana out of Doctor Who* on our side, and the universe was saved. Double luckily, Mrs Duck is now used to such idiocy first thing in the morning.

Your dream explained: Stay off the cheese at bedtimes, fella, or you'll end up like me: mental and rambling. Space Anne Frank was in there too, come to think of it.

Share your weird dreams. Or not. Your call.

* The Lalla Ward Romana, not the Mary Tamm one who ended up in Brookie. Good Lord, what kind of nutter to you take me for?