That'll be grand, then

That'll be grand, then


Well, here we go, (nearly) four years of blog and 1,000 posts, if my stats are to be believed. So, what should I do to mark this auspicious event? Beg for money? Too crass. A story about done-ing a poo? Been done. Full frontal nudity? Everybody I asked turned me down. I pondered a small, celebratory buffet, but the thought of posting you all a twiglet, a sausage-onna-stick and a sad-looking slice of quiche fills me with dread.

Instead, I'm going to take the lazy man's option. There are currently 176 Tales of Mirth and Woe in the archive. Some of them, by all accounts, are quite good and have been extensively re-written for my almost-but-not-quite-ready-to-publish book called …err… Tales of Mirth and Woe. By the foul and eldritch powers of "Ip Dip" I have chosen several from the book draft, and by means of a hideously rigged vote-o, the best of these will appear on Friday.

And so, the short-listed stories are (with 100 per cent genuine quotes, for once):

* PiSS: "PiSS. PiSS. PiSS. PiSS. PiSS."
* I was a Teenage Bomber: "There were no terrorists, just idiots."
* School Fight Club: "He’d even had sex with a lady once, without having to pay."

* You Can't Get Rid of Porn: "You could see her flanges and everything."
* Cake: "See that candle?" Seany whispered to me, "It's been up my arse."
* Lab of Doom: "Sleepless nights battling the evil pickle."

* Glands: "The biggest pair of top bollocks that any of us had seen on any woman, ever."
* Firestarter: "A rather pleasing mushroom cloud hung over the recreation ground."
* Wedding from Hell: "Dear Fiesta, You won‘t believe the most incredible thing that happened to me at work the other day…"

* Rubber: "The landlady had the biggest pair of knockers I had ever seen, ever." (But not related to the "Glands" lady, obviously)
* Leaving Do o' Doom: "A river of piss, flowing across the floor in a miniature tribute to Wembley Stadium."
* Party: "I promise not to come in your mouth"

* Shitfaced: "I let fly with a brown laser of a turd"
* Manky: "…and wiped my arse on a handful of hamster bedding."
* The Kate Winslet Story: "Leonardo di Caprio. The bastard."

Get on with it, then. I want to see those ballot boxes well and truly stuffed by the end of the week.