Hollywood, condensed

Shorten a film

Does exactly what it says in the title. Take a film, knock a couple of hours out of it. And if you can kill off the dreadful sequels, so much the better.

The Poseidon Adventure - inspired by actual comments spoken by my father-in-law

INT: THE BRIDGE OF THE SS POSEIDON

Captain: Yarr! Tis a high sea an' no mistake!

First Mate: Aye, Cap'n must be sore dreadful for the passengers in the ship's ballroom.

Captain: Yarr! It must be the first New Year's Party where people were spillin' their guts before it started!

Mate: Yaaar! You made a funny Cap'n. Yaarrrrrrrggghhhhh!

Captain: Yaarrrrrrrggghhhhh?

Mate: Yaarrrrrrrggghhhhh! A huge wave, about to hit us broadside! It'll surely capsize us, Cap'n!

Captain: Steer the ship into the wave then, me heartie!

Mate: Aye aye, Cap'n!

Minutes later, the wave has passed, deluging the ship in water, but little else.

Captain: Yarrr! That was a close one. And not a hand lost!

Mate: Except Ernest Borgnine. I shot the ugly bastard with the flare gun.

Both: YAAAAAR!!!!!!


Star Trek

INT: USS ENTERPRISE CONFERENCE ROOM

Spock: Ah, there you are captain. We were looking everywhere for you.

Kirk: Yes. I'm sorry I'm late, I was cleaning Nurse Chapple's teeth. WITH MY COCK!

Uhura: You bastard, James, you never clean my teeth anymore. That's the last time I do the fan dance in your quarters. Video camera or no video camera.

Bones: And it's the only decent movie he's ever directed.

Spock: Whatever the logic behind your lack of trousers, Captain, I'm afraid we had no choice but to start the meeting without you.

Chekov: Yes, Keptin, we have already started squad slection for this year's World Cup Fantasy League.

Kirk: My God. Has he gone?

Spock: Yes Sir, I'm afraid Mr Sulu has already bid for the German goalkeeper.

Kirk: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!


Now: Your turn. Hint - Eddie Murphy has signed on for Beverly Hills Cop IV. Stop this blasphemy. Kill it! Kill it now!