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"Mum! Scaryduck Jr's tried to cart-wheel down the stairs again!"


Cuss of the Month

My holiday was made infinitely more bearable by Frank Muir's rather excellent autobiography 'A Kentish Lad', which I found skulking behind a copy of 'The Da Vinci Code' in our rented villa. After the flysheet in Dan Brown's pile of poo was suitably amended ('The Grail's in the Louvre'), I found the late Muir's work to be a delight.

Indeed, I was delighted by the curse thrown at an inconsiderate parker by a Parisian garage owner whilst holidaying with his future wife:

'Cet homme - il est veritablement LE ROI des cons'

Even in English, this phrase maintains a certain poetry and power, which should throw ever the most utter of 'cons' off their guard, and proves that in some cases you don't need a swear for a damn good cuss. But then, you could replace 'con' with 'chatte' if you really wanted to besmirch poor, dead Frank's memory, and set his bow-tie spinning in his grave.

I shall endeavour to use this phrase daily, and so should you.


Kwouk of the Month

Behold! The pilot episode of a Board of Biffo chum's new cartoon series The Carrotty Kid, starring the legendary Bert Kwouk as Master Che-ri.

It is this: excellent, and deserves a good, thrusting TV commissioning from somebody with a lot of money. Not ITV, then.

Click, and click hard.

"All breakages must be paid for!"