Splitter

Splitter

Lucky old me. Lucky, lucky, lucky. For this weekend, sensibly leaving my house in the hands of relatives, and foolishly leaving my blog in the hands of other bloggers, I shall be away to Spain for a fortnight of mirth, mirth and avoiding the internet.

I must be mad, for I have left the front door keys to this place in the hands of Misty, who will spend the next two weeks posting up mirth of her own, and low quality woe which I have left lying around below stairs, behind the bins.

I have, she says, nothing to fear. And that's why I'm bricking myself.

In the mean time, there is the small matter of the Thursday vote-o to contend with, so you may wish to choose from the following five stories for tomorrow's tale of mirth and woe. It may be your last chance as I head for Bournemouth Airport: Snakes on a Plane are coming.

A tramp special! Vote me up!

* First Aid: "Are you free Mr Humphries?" "No Captain Peacock, I'm rimming this tramp." It was the episode of 'Are You Being Served?' they could never show. Until now.

* Take a Break: She would be the Dian Fossey of the tramp world. She would live with tramps. Study how they lived, how they ate, how they got the price of a cup o' tea, Jimmy. And soon enough, she would know their mating rituals.

* Swimming Gala: As the Israeli Defence Force poured over the border into Southern Lebanon, taking on the Hezbollah foe, they took their chance. Tel Aviv was left undefended, and without a fight, the tramps took over. Israel was now a hobo nation.

* Venice: And before they knew what was happening, tramps became the new black. In a frenzy of paprazzi photographers, there was Kate Moss at the cutting edge of Bum Chic, clutching a bottle of White Lightning and stepping out with the movement's new leader: the ubiquitous Mumbling Jimmy.

* Still Ill: The Titan II heavy lift rocket blasted off from Cape Canaveral containing three tons of cardboard, a year's supply of cider and the contents of every wheelie bin in Central London. And on top of it all was Mad Ole Dave, soon to be the first tramp on the moon.

Passport - 'I'm with Stupid' T-Shirt - Socks & Sandals. That's it, I'm off.