"Jus' Like That"

"Jus' Like That"

A busy week at work sees your author and his colleagues turfed out of their improbably luxurious office in the billiard room of our country house headquarters, into was was once the ballroom, complete with chandeliers, exquisite mouldings around the decorative fireplace and stunning views across the Capability Brown-designed gardens. It's a tough old life.

Alas, the idyll didn't last long, as somebody in a fluorescant green polo shirt turned up on Tuesday to install the phones before hitting us with the phrase that all office staff dread:

"Where d'you want the fax machine?"

"The WHAT?"

"Fax Muh-chine."

"Next to the bin. Saves time."

The week got much better with the arrival of a couple of parcels. Duck (Scary) likes it when he gets unexpected gifts. So:

FEZZZZZZZZZZ!and:

TOMATOOOOOOO!I can thank the excellent Rikaitch for the latter, and now my task is to find that special brand of tomato ketchup they use in greasy spoon cafes that goes black and crispy on exposure with oxygen. Then, my life will be complete.

I can't wait to show it to Mrs Duck. She'll think I'm the best person EVER.

And as this excellent week gets even more excellenter with the production of a script for the next Bummy Rabbit Adventure, I bring you a Thursday vote-o with five stories to choose from. The vote-o quote-os - gleaned from The House of Lies - may or may not, as usual, reflect the contents of the story.

* Doctors and Nurses: "Yellow snow is a naturally occurring phenomenon, and is perfectly safe to eat"

* Bullshit: "The game of Association Football, or 'Soccer', dates back to the early 1970's. It is loosely based upon the ancient English sport of dwarf kicking"

* Cretin Band: "Jeremy Kyle once filmed an entire edition of his TV show which contained no fighting, trailer trash or swearing. It was never broadcast"

* Smelly: "The vacuum cleaner was invented as a sex aid by a technologically advanced order of Carmelite nuns. Every time you buy a Dyson, a penguin has an orgasm"

* A Trip to Edinburgh: "Money is not the root of all evil. It’s Bonsai plants"

Vote! Vote-me-up! Hussssss!

I am not mad.