On daft schemes that bring about the end of civilisation

On daft schemes that bring about the end of civilisation

I have railed before on these pages on some of the daft schemes they come up with round here.

For example, it was I who drew the world's attention to the accident waiting to happen when they built Monkey World, the Tank Museum and the Winfrith Nuclear Research Centre within two miles of each other.

I warned them and warned them in both the local and national press of the consequences, and what happened? They laughed in my face, yet it was I who was proved right:

And did they learn? Oh no, they didn't.

Now I hear of plans to hollow out the Isle of Portland (not three miles away from the House of Duck) and fill it to the brim with natural gas, whilst, just for the comedy value, parking a bunch of nuclear submarines outside and increasing the local prison population to bursting point.

Absolutely nothing can go wrong, they tell us, whilst giving us an instructional leaflet and a handful of iodine pills.

Yeah, right. All it will need is an unguarded spark from one of those cousin-marrying window-lickers up on the island, and it'll be 'Goodnight Vienna' to the lot of us, Dorset shining like a thousand suns for about a thousandth of a second, before disappearing of the face of the Earth in a mushroom cloud.

I'll be OK. I've got these iodine pills.

Come to think of it, my arch-nemesis Useless Workshy Cunt of a Builder still lives up on Portland, and he's got a filthy, dreadful finger-staining roll-your-own cigarette habit; which could, with a following wind, be the catalyst for the largest explosion this planet has ever seen. Excellent!

I heartily endorse the Portland Gas and Royal Navy plans.

Plz to send kindling, matches.