Topsy and Tim: A re-appraisal for the 21st century

Topsy and Tim: A re-appraisal for the 21st century

Topsy and Tim, if you are a non-breeder, is a series of unsufferably cheerful early-reading books for kids just learning to read.

The books feature the eponymous nursery-age two-some getting up to all sorts of happy-go-lucky adventures in what is clearly the white middle-class suburbs of a town where it is still 1960 and single parents are stoned to death as witches.

First appearing over forty years ago, the books have only recently been updated to feature a more inclusive politically correct outlook, where the stories now feature wholesome encounters with racial minorities and little buddies in wheelchairs.

While this wholesome idea can only be applauded by parents whose little darlings aren't quite ready for the latest Irvine Welsh, the outlook is still horribly, horribly white middle class all's-well-that-ends-well cute fluffy bunnies. And where's the fun in that?

It is time, we thought, that the series was dragged kicking and screaming into the social realism of the early 21st Century post-Blair society, where early readers need to be taught the sharp edges of the world around them, rather than wrapping the poor darlings up in the bubble-wrap of political correctness.

Some new titles, then. The Scaryducklings made up some of these. I truly am going to Hell:

• Topsy and Tim get the horn
• Topsy and Tim throw stones at darkies

• Topsy and Tim get an ASBO
• Topsy and Tim lick a tramp

• Topsy and Tim sniff glue
• Topsy and Tim dob their neighbours into Childline

• Topsy and Tim blackmail Daddy and the Au Pair
• Topsy and Tim conduct a series of distraction burglaries on elderly neighbours

And why stop at Topsy and Tim?

• Postman Pat gets 27 new credit cards
• Useless Workshy Cunt of a Bob the Builder

You know what's coming next: suggest-me-up!