Condensed Films: Jaws

Condensed Films: Jaws

Time poor? Can't be arsed to dig out the video of when this came on ITV fifteen years ago? Never fear - we take popular movies, boil them down, and deliver them here in easy-to-understand chunks. No need to thank us. Really. Don't.

This is my favourite one of the lot. Laugh, damn you, LAUGH!

Jaws

Naked drunk girl: Swim swim swim

Scary music: Wom-wom. Wom-wom. Wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom.

Naked drunk girl: Swimmy swim OMFG!

Shark: Om nom nom nom burp LOLZ

Chief Brody: Hello. I am police chief Martin Brody and I am excellent. We appear to have a bit of a shark problem in this otherwise bustling beach resort.

Mayor: No. No we don't.

Brody: Yes. Yes we do.

Mayor: No. No we don...

Brody: ONOZ!!!111 SHARK! Get out of the water! SHARK! Oh. Sorry.

Lightly-oiled women in postage-stamp sized bikinis on the beach: Screemz! ONOZ! WTF! OMFG!!!

Mayor: OMFG D00d - U R so fired

Guy in boat: Hey! I'm in a boat! LOLZ

Scary music: Wom-wom. Wom-wom. Wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom.

Guy in boat: ONOZ!

Shark: Om nom nom nom burp LOLZ

Guy in boat, plus several other victims: Oh, we appear to be dead. That was teh suXXor!!111

Mayor: Plz to kill shark

Brody: OK

Hooper: I'll help! I hav l33t shrk kllng sk1llz! LMAO

Quint: Me too, on account of my being a bit strange and having a big boat. And also l33t shrk kllng sk1llz.

Mrs Brody: Plz don't die! Even though I sucked off Hooper in the novelisation, I still love you!

Brody: What?

Mrs Brody: Err... nothing. I've packed sandwiches.

Scary music: Wom-wom. Wom-wom. Wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom.

Shark: Om nom nom nom burp tasty boat LOLZ!

Quint: Plz 2 get a bigger boat.

Shark: Om nom nom nom burp tasty mental guy LOLZ

Quint: Ouch, that hurts. Also, I am dead.

Brody: Plz to smile you sonaofabitch!

Shark: Ouch, that also hurts, and I appear to have exploded all over the place. Just wait until my mum finds out, U R going to be sooo PWN3D, d00d.

Brody: ROFFLE!!!111

Hooper: Although I let Mrs Brody suck me off and get killed to death by the shark in the original book, I appear to be still alive. Result!

Brody: What?

Hooper: Err... Shark! SHARK! LOL.

The End. Or is it?*

* No.



Condensed Pluggery

The very nice chap from the PR company that got me into the premiere of '300' has been in touch to ask me to plug their latest wheeze; viz the Fantastic Four sequel, which, from what I've seen so far is tons better than the original movie. Not that the bar was particularly high on that front, to be honest.

"Plz," he say, "Plz to mention our excellent wiki-fied movie website, plz."

Knowing which side my bread is buttered, and in the hope of continued shameless ligging in the near future, I said "Yes".

"Yes. Yes I will. LOLZ."

So: Official Silver Surfer site. ONOZ!!! It's a Wiki!!!111 LOLOL!

Also so: Coming soon - Condensed Silver Surfer. OMFG!