On relationships

On relationships

Relationships, they say, are never easy.

One day you're hammering away like rabbits, the next, you hear the dreaded words "We've got to talk" and before you know it, you've said completely the wrong thing and she's coming at you with the cordless drill your mother gave you as a moving-in-together present.

It is at times like that, when the last thing that goes through your head is "OMFG! I should have worn clean underwear today", you should really have noticed the signs leading up to this tragic and somewhat ironic last moment in your life.

Here's a few handy pointers to the fact that your relationship may not, in fact, be all sweetness and light:

1. Despite your reluctance to sleep in single beds, you arrive home to find two halves of a double and a still-warm chainsaw

2. She says: "It's not you, it's me. I think you're a cunt."

3. Your reply to the question "Does my bum look big in this?" is "Fuck, yes, like a barn."

4. You find your ultra-rare EMI pressing of the Sex Pistols' "God Save the Queen" now doubles as a drinks mat.

5. You have arrived at a point in your life where Jeremy Kyle is reading you the results of a DNA test in front of a studio audience.

6. She borrows your car for a date. And your lube.

7. When you foolishly ask "So, what do you want from this relationship?", her answer is not a million miles away from "George Clooney" and "That bloke from the Admiral car insurance adverts".

8. She starts charging you for sex. Again.

9. Her dresses are now too big for you.

10. She books a romantic table for two in a fancy restaurant, and takes her clockwork cucumber and three packs of spare batteries.

11. Her reply to "You love that dog more than you love me" is probably admissible evidence in a court of law.

12. That 'special sushi meal' she left for you while she and her buzzy friend were out enjoying a romantic meal for two wasn't, on closer inspection of your fish-tank, sushi.

13. You find her MySpace name is 42-DD-swinger, and she has 43,877 friends.

14. She owns a Coldplay CD.

15. The Cleveland Steamer has somehow found its way into your relationship. And it didn't end well for this pair, either

16. She's not terribly impressed with the spy cameras you've put in the bedroom, as they clash with her own subscription service.

17. "I've been chosen for Big Brother 9. See you in three months and don't you DARE tell the papers about the Cleveland Steamer."

My relationship is not on the rocks. She says so.

I am certain that you, dear readers, have more useful advice to add to this list, possibly involving washing-up liquid and door handles. Speak your brains!