On random acts of kindness

On random acts of kindness

"That's your good deed for the day," said a rather pleasant female colleague as I held a door for her.

And yes, in normal circumstances she would be right. However, I had a sudden attack of Wisdom, and told her so:

"It only counts if the other person doesn't know about it."

"Oooh," she said, taking in this stunning new concept, "I suppose you're right. You'd better start again."

So I slammed the door in her face.

Sitting back at my desk, fondling my tomato sauce bottle in the shape of a tomato, I realised I had committed myself to a serious case of 'Easier Said Than Done'. It's all oh-so-easy to hold doors for attractive ladies from other departments, but just try to carry out a random act of kindness in which the recipient is blissfully unaware - now that's difficult.

I have determined, then, that I should draw up a list. A list of random acts of kindness that I can perform, in which the beneficiary is ignorant of the wave of smugness that is coming over me.

THE LIST

I shall:

* Refrain from sending turds in DVD cases through the post as an act of revenge on thieving Royal Mail workers

* Drive a car with blacked out windows with a large monkey sitting at a fake steering wheel, so people cannot tell it is me letting them out at junctions

* Only spray-paint grammatically correct graffiti on the homes of suspected sex offenders in the dead of night

* Help the cleaning staff in Harrods by stretching cling film over all the seats in their luxuriously-appointed toilets

* Leave an envelope containing a series of clues at a spot where tramps are known to congregate. Inside the envelope is a series of clues, leading the tramps on a treasure hunt around town, with the promise of Tesco Value Cider at the end. The clues do indeed lead to cider, but at a point twenty miles away. The tramps get exercised, drunk and trapped in Didcot - everyone's a winner!

* Wear a gimp mask to the pub, so my anonymity is maintained when I buy a drink for the barman

In fact, I will start wearing a gimp mask everywhere, especially when I am holding doors for not unattractive female colleagues.

"That's your good deed for the …. MWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

I feel better already.