On summer sports

On summer sports

With the football season coming to a close, and with no British interest in the forthcoming Euro 2008 tournament, it is time to get ready - as a nation - for the sound of leather on willow as two stout teams of England's finest gather to face each other in mortal combat on this great nations' verdant village greens.

A time of year that invariably ends in national humilation at the hands of a bunch highly skilled, better dressed foreign Johnnies.

Yes indeedy: Socks and Sandals Spotting Season is open once again.

Let us, dear S-and-S Spotter, discuss the scoring system of this most complex of summer sports:

* Leading the way in this finest of summer traditions is celebrity wonky-mouthed bore and girlfriend-basher Geoffrey Boycott with a superb innings of 27 not out, sporting a suberbly sensible pair of khaki flannels, finished off with 80% cotton M&S patterned socks and a pair of Pound Shop Jesus Creepers.

Score guide: Old bloke, standard S&S - 10 points

* Also spotted leading the trend is Liar to the Royals, butler Paul Burrell, sporting matching pink socks and sandals, which once belonged to Diana, Princess of Wales but were "given to me as a gift, I've got a receipt and everything, in a drawer, honest".

Score guide: Posh bloke, girl's sandals - 30 points

* I myself have spotted - right in the middle of the chav's paradise that is the inner city ghetto of Reading, a teenager clad in hoodie, baggy jeans and the obligatory iPod. Then, from the ankles down, he was his grandad - white socks, seaside tat shop sandals, scoring double points for the committed Socks and Sandals spotter.

Score guide: Teenager, hoodie, trendy, 'He ought to know better' and white sock bonuses - 60 points

Happy spotting!

Next week: The Sky Sports guide to the Girls in Tight, White Summer T-shirts Spotting European Championships, sponsored by New Look

Real sports update: I ran five miles yesterday in preparation for The Scaryduck Fun Run of Certain Doom, just to prove that I can do it. I am now walking like Herr Flick of the Gestapo, and I no longer want to have legs.

There's still plenty of time to sponsor me - at this rate your money is totally safe.