On going green

On going green

This week on Scary Goes Green: "How can I recycle my waste environmentally?"

"Scary", people ask me, "I'm interested in following in your esteemed footsteps and wish to use my shed as a makeshift outside toilet? How do I go about it now that plastic Tesco bags are so hard to come by?"

This is a simple question to answer. Although Gardeners' World presenter Monty Don is a passionate evangelist for "mulching", it is beyond the realms of decency to be expected to squat over your runner bean trench, dungarees around your ankles, nipping out a length for the good of your future vegetable crop.

Particularly so if your garden happens to be owned by the Royal Horticultural Society and is open to the public; or if a lightly-oiled Rachel de Thame is standing by with a DV Cam, ready to get your composting on record for Friday night's broadcast, 8pm, BBC2.

No. Even though our favourite murderous dictator Kim Jong-Il reportedly advocated public composting amongst the front gardens and of North Korea (and I'd love to have seen his famous On-The-Spot guidance to local party officials as veins stand out of their foreheads in the rose garden of the Korean Workers' Party), the answer, my friends, lies in your local supermarket's 'Bag for Life' policy.

To the uninitiated, this might sound like the end result of a shotgun marriage to Ann Noreen Widdecombe, but, it turns out – for a small fee – you may purchase a carrier bag from your neighbourhood big store, and they will replace it free of charge, no matter what condition it is in.

Wow.

No, really. WOW.

You can see what I'm thinking, can't you?

My advice is this: Be Green. At least wait until your bag is full before lugging it into Tesco for your free replacement. This might take a few weeks, and your mulch will be just about ready for compost in any number of your favourite supermarket's favourite recycling projects, but the store manager and his retinue of muscled security guards will be more than happy to congratulate you with 10,000 free Clubcard points. Or Crudcard, if I might be allowed to coin a new expression.

Also: Keep your back straight when lifting what will, undoubtedly, be a heavy load.

Next week in Scary Goes Green: How long does it take to make a candle from your own earwax?