Oh ho! The bloke with the whip and the funny hat's back, but enough of my private life. Back too, it seems, is Indiana Jones. And to celebrate, I have taken Spielberg's finest hour, and boiled it down to a single page in the easy-to-understand language of today's disaffected, knife-wielding youth, innit.
By way of a Brucey Bonus, I have also thrown in a super-condensed version of Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom, because I AM EXCELLENT.
Raiders of the Lost Ark
I.Jones: Hello. I am I. Jones, and I am excellent. Today, I am mostly stealing this priceless gold statue of Jade Goody's arse-like face.Shifty Foreign: Ahhahahaha! That's what you think! Oh. I am teh DEAD.
I.Jones: WTF?! Balls!
R.Bolloq: Good moaning. Plose piss me the statue
I.Jones: FFS. Run away! Mwaaargh! What's this snake doing in my plane?
S.L.Jackson: Snakes? Inna plane? I appear to be in the wrong movie
I.Jones: I LOLed
TEH CIA: Plz to find TEH LOST ARK or we will all be KILLED TO DEATH by A. HITLER
I.Jones: KK. First I must find Teh Staff of RARRRR
TEH CIA: Staff of what, FFS?
I.Jones: RARRRR!
M. Ravenwood: Hello. I am I.Jones's bird and I am excellent, live in Nepal and drink like a bastard. HIC! A staff of RARRRR: I has one
Herr Flick: You vill give me ze Staff of RARRRR, or I vill kill you TO DEATH with my Gestapo pistol, LHL*
M. Ravenwood: DIAF!** LOLOLOL
Herr Flick: Schiessefickenachduliebegott.
I.Jones: LOL, we are in Cairo
Bad guys: DETH to TEH INFIDEL, ROFL
I.Jones: Whippy whippy whippy
Bad guys: Ouch, stop it, that smarts
I. Jones: LOL
Bad guy with huge-ass sword: I see your LOL and raise you a big ROFFLE
I. Jones: Shooty shooty shooty. King of LULz
M. Ravenwood: I am a bit thick, so I shall hide in this laundry basket
Evil Traitor MONKEH: Here she is, hiding in a crappy laundry basket. Bananas, plz
M. Ravenwood: Oh spoons, now I am captured. I shall now resort to screaming loudly. FFSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Huge Truck: ASSPLODES
I.Jones: Whups. I have killed M. Ravenwood TO DETH. Now to drink heavily
R.Bolloq: Good moaning. I am here to taunt you a second time. I shall soon find TEH LOST ARK and your mother smelt of elderberries. LULZ
I. Jones: Hic! BLAAAAAAAAAARGHH!
Wizzened old mystic guy: TEH staff of RARRRR: I have deciphered it
I.Jones: What it say?
Wizzened old mystic guy: It say this: RARRRRRRRRRR
I.Jones: Oh
Wizzened old mystic guy: Also, some shit about TEH LOST ARK
I.Jones: Gd gd
Evil Traitor MONKEH: OM NOM NOM tasty dates DED
I.Jones: I has found TEH LOST ARK, LOL
Salah: Gd gd. I'll get me shovel.
I.Jones: I shall hide in this luxurious tent
M.Ravenwood: Hello! I am not TEH DED
I.Jones: FTW!
M.Ravenwood: Pls to untie me before Herr Flick comes back
I.Jones: Soz. I will leave you here and rescue you later. Can I have a quick honk of yr bosoooms?
M.Ravenwood: DIAF! LOL
Salah: TEH WELL OV ARSOLES – we has found it. Teh floor – Why does it move so?
I.Jones: Snks. Why duz it hav 2 b snks?
Salah: U go first
I. Jones: Bstrd
Salah: TEH LOST ARK – we has one
R.Bolloq: Good moaning. I woll noo get absolootely possed and try to have sax with you
M. Ravenwood: Hic! Excuse me while I escape.
R. Bolloq: I am not drunk LOL and now I am going to threw you in that big hole I.Jones is dogging ROFFLE
M. Ravenwood: Oh spoons
R. Bolloq: Good moaning. Plose give me the lost ork
I.Jones: FFS
R. Bolloq: Now to koll you TO DETH! LOL
M. Ravenwood: ARSE
I.Jones: Even though TEH WELL OV ARSOLES has been buried by TEH WRATH OV GOD for thousands of years, they left the back door unlocked. LOL
M. Ravenwood: w00t! Teh LOST ARK – they are loading it onto that plane
I.Jones: Oh yeah?
Burly half-naked German: Ug! Punchypunchypunchy
I.Jones: Ow
Burly half-naked German: Ug! Punchypunchypunchy
I.Jones: Ow
Burly half-naked German: Ug! Punchypunchypunchy ONOZ! TEH PROPELLERZ!
Teh PROPELLERZ: Slicyslicyslicy
I.Jones: LOL
M. Ravenwood: w00t! Teh LOST ARK – they are loading it onto that truck
I.Jones: Oh, for the love of God. Look, the next fifteen minutes is a purely visual cavalcade of stunts and abject violence which your humble narrator will be hard pushed to convey in mere written words. Imagine, if you will, a huge-assed mobile punch up, with loads of bullet-headed krauts going "Gott in Himmel" and "Ach du liebe Gott aaaaaaaaargh!" before I emerge triumphant with TEH LOST ARK on a ship, about to have TEH SEXUSSSSS with M. Ravenwood. So mote it be
M. Ravenwood: Now to have TEH SEXUSSSSS with I.Jones
R. Bolloq: Good moaning. I am back again with all the predictablility of a 'Two Pints of Lager' repeat on BBC Three
M.Ravenwood: Oh, COCK
R. Bolloq: I has TEH LOST ARK. Now to open it for LULZ
I.Jones: ONOZ! Plz 2 close eyes
M.Ravenwood: WTF?
I.Jones: Plz 2 close eyes. U will b KILLED TO DETH
God: Feel my WRATH LOLOLOL!
Herr Flick: Garblegarblemeltygarble
Nazis: Ouch. We is TEH DEAD
R.Bolloq: Good moaning. Ouch. My head – it has assplode.
God: And you all thought I was a forgiving deity. ROFFLE
I.Jones: Can I go now?
God: Yes. Bugger off. And take the bird, even if I had to sit through the disgusting spectacle of you pair at it like rutting monkeys in a zoo last night. Can't say I approve, but it's bloody brilliant being omnipresent
I.Jones: Git
God: God, I love being God. Best job in the world. LOL
I.Jones: Where is TEH LOST ARK?
TEH CIA: Not telling. And it is certainly not in TEH QVC mail order warehouse with a limited edition consignment of 200,000 other LOST ARKS, LOL
I. Jones: What?
TEH CIA: Nothing. Nothing. LOL
* German: Lachen heraus loud = Laugh out loud, LOLz
** l33t-speak glossary: DIAF = Die in a fire
Indiana Jones and TEH TEMPLE OF DOOM
Ugly, wrinkled tribal chief: Our village is curs-ed. Plz to recover our sacred stones, rescue our children and kill the Thuggees to DEATHI.Jones: KK
Two hours later...
I.Jones: I am back with your sacred stones and your children; and by way of a bonus, I have killed all the Thuggees TO DEATH
Ugly, wrinkled tribal chief: Nice one, cheers
I.Jones: I'll be off, then
Ugly, wrinkled tribal chief: KTHXBAI!
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