On having the best Christmas Walford's ever seen

On having the best Christmas Walford's ever seen

Happy Christmas, one and all!

I greet you thussly as I return from my summer holidays in La Belle France as - sadly - it appears the Festive Season is upon us already.

For a stop at - and let us name names - The Old Bell at Grazeley Green on the outskirts of Reading, where my eyes were assaulted with a none-too-subtle display inviting patrons to book their Christmas parties. With four months to go to the big day, every second counts.

So, it is my doubtful duty to announce:

St Ebeneezer's Day: A moveable feast, being the first day that Christmas displays appear in shops and public houses. Traditionally, St Ebeneezer's Tide occurs one week earlier each year.

This year, St Ebeneezer's Day fell on Saturday 30th August.

And to prove the fact that Christmas DOES get earlier, policemen younger, and Mars Bars smaller, St Ebeneezer's Day 2007 fell on 12th September.

Of course, this rampant commercialism of Santa's Special Holiday makes me an angry man. A very angry man. I decree, then, that the people responsible for this kind of OUTRAGE need to be rolled in honey, tied to a tree and left to the lesbians.

I also need to work on my punishments.

So mote it be.