On not doing me-mes

On not doing me-mes

I don't do me-mes.

Really, I don't.

So, that's why I am not doing the "Six Random Facts About Me" one which my learned colleague Gyppo Byard has thrown at me. Unfortunately, I've revealed so much of my private life on these pages over the last six years, I'm hard-pushed to find any original material. These are, however, 100 per cent of TRUTH:

1. TV viewers on the day of my birth had the choice between 'Points of View', 'Crossroads' and 'The Julie Andrews Show'. No wonder my parents decided to go out and have a baby.

2. I invited all twelve surviving members of the Duck family to my wedding, of which eleven attended. My charming wife-to-be had to stop sending out invites to immediate family members once she reached three figures.

3. Despite numerous brushes with greatness, my number one claim to fame is standing at the urinal next to EastEnders' Ian Beale. As they say on Popbitch: IDNSHC.

4. Arsenal Football Club contrived to lose on both of the days that my children were born. Still, it gave me the excuse to get out of the ground and beat the traffic when they made the tannoy announcement.

5. Despite being a complete swot and regularly top of my class in secondary school, I discovered both beer and slacking at an entirely inappropriate time and left college with grades D, E & E in my A-Levels. It took me twenty years to finally get a university degree.

6. I am still mildly disturbed by the fact that at the age of five I was meticulously planning a caper where I was to kidnap a blonde yummy-mummy in a bikini and hold her hostage behind the bins on my housing estate. Five years old. Five.

I'm supposed to tag other people at this point. Bleh. Just do it if you feel like it. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em.

Five years old. Good grief.