Trapped in a traffic jam on the way back from the Ice Cave the other morning, I found myself stuck behind a van."R & P Engineering" is said in white-on-green lettering.
After five minutes or so sitting and staring at these words, and moving barely 100 yards, a dreadful truth dawned on me.
"You! Yes, you! Your awful, awful company name spells out RAPE."
This is, on the whole, not a good thing, and clearly no laughing matter. In the present air of seething disgust that has seeped into every corner of our nation, I was on the phone to the Daily Mail within seconds to register my disapproval.
They told me to piss off.
What, indeed, a bunch of See You Next Tuesdays.
Minutes later, the veins still sticking out on my forehead like a map of the Central Line, I turn the corner to find myself behind a second van: B.J. Champion.
I didn't even realise there WAS a competition to find the world's greatest Pink Oboe players, let a lone a man prepared to drive around, bragging about it.
Having failed to get my own company registered as Alistair's Really Special Engineering, I ask, then, what other company names spell out something totally inappropriate?
I doff my hat to Del Boy and Rodney for their inspired Trotters Independent Trading and suggest:
* Peter Andre Entertainment Diversity Organisation
* Japanese Interactive Scientific Machinery
* Terry Wogan's Acrylic Ties
* North Orkney Retail Kitten Sales
I'm too lazy to think of anything better. You do it.
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