On talking forren

On talking forren

"I don't speak French", sing fish-faced harpies Girls Aloud, adding "So I let the funky music do the talking, talking."

Although, as any fine, upstanding, patriotically-tattooed-for-Queen-and-Country Englishman traveling abroad will tell you, you'll have none of that speaking French OR funky music. We won the war, so I'm going to talk VERY LOUD IN ENGLISH, ENGLISH.

Sadly, I have completely wrecked my ignorant Englishman abroad credentials by a) being half-Irish and b) having a decent command of French and German. Unfortunately, I listened at school, which means that if there is any communication to be done between sunburned Brits abroad and Johhny Foreigner, it's me that has to apologise for the behaviour of, well, everybody.

However, where I fall over is my inability to understand the language of up-and-coming Euro-chavs, the Spanish. Luckily, I'm still paying attention, and have learned a few phrases from the electric television, mostly from the Bumblebee Man from The Simpsons.

This is all the Spanish I know:

* Ay ay ay! No me gusta!

* Ay ay ay! El mundo es loco!

* Ay ay ay! Mi mujer es contable!

As you can see, this is raw Spanish for every occasion and may, one day, save a life. However, my knowledge of languages is still sadly lacking.

So: Help me dear reader, with phrases I may find handy in any given foreign country. Don't bother with translations - I trust you all completely, and I fully expect the British Consul to pop over from his G&T to smooth over any wrinkles.

"Don't you understand, Diego? I SAID FISH AN' CHIPS!"