On the rules of the internet

On the rules of the internet

You may not realise this, but the internet has rules. Rules that you have probably broken (For example: by talking about Fight Club) at some stage or another.

We thought it best, then, by way of a public service to go through some of these rules just so you know where you stand in the great scheme of things.

Luckily, I've managed to try this out on an online pal, and if his reaction is anything to go by ("AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!") this little exercise should be more than worth it.

So. Let us start with the infamous Rule 34 of the Internet.

Rule 34 of the internet clearly states: If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions

Take, for example, the reams of filth on the web on just about any subject under the sun.

I know what you're thinking, and this is neatly tidied up with Rule 35.

Rule 35: If no porn exists, it will be made

*cough* Last of the Summer Wine slash fiction *cough*

"Hey Scary!" my old pal Peter Pervert asks, "Can you give us a 'For Example'?"

Oh, if I must, but first let me warn you of Rule 35a

Rule 35a: What has been seen, cannot be unseen.

For example --- Excerpt from the Radio Times, Sunday 14th November 1993:

BBC1, 5.20pm
Last of the Summer Wine
Gentle comedy featuring a trio of misfit pensioners in their twilight years.
Episode six: "The Great Beaver Hunt". Nora 'Up the' Batty gets it in the wrong'un from Compo, Foggy and Clegg whilst going downhill in a bathtub. Meanwhile Frank Thornton helps Thora Hird with her septic butt plug with hilarious results. (Colour) (Ceefax subtitles)

Rule 36: If it exists, somebody will have a fetish of it.

"Frank Thornton porn? Fwapfwapfwapfwapfwap"

Sadly, thanks to a strike by technicians at BBC Television Centre – angered at management plans to slash staff bongo allowances - this episode was never aired. It sits in a vault somewhere below Broadcasting House, along with a dozen or so reels of unfortunate footage featuring Una Stubbs that are best not talked about.

Many thought this famous 'lost episode' would see the light of day following the death of Dame Thora Hird in 2003. However, the circumstances of her demise – the words "Scream if you want to go faster" being misunderstood during the filming of a Churchill stair-lift commercial - mean that "The Great Beaver Hunt" may now be lost forever.

Perfectly clear? You may now apply the mind bleach.