Condensed Movies: Harry Potter – The Whole Nine Yards (including the one they haven't made yet)

Condensed Movies: Harry Potter – The Whole Nine Yards (including the one they haven't made yet)

Eight films? You mean to tell me there's going to be EIGHT films? JK Rowling is clearly doing it wrong and after two-and-a-half buttock-numbing hours in Cineworld Weymouth, is still in dire need of an editor. So, I have taken it upon myself to summarise Tom Brown's Schooldays the Harry Potter movies in the language of today's easily bored youth, taking out anything superfluous to the plot of this great saga. You know: everything.

This edition restores Arnold Schwarzenegger to the role of Hagrid, and Roger Moore as Voldemort, as demanded by JK Rowling in original drafts of the screenplay.

Spoiler warning: The car turns out to be a robot. Wait... wrong film

Harry Potter and the Order of the Philosophers Secret Goblet of Half-Blood Prince's Deathly Hallows of Azkhaban on Ice

H. Potter: Hello. I am H. Potter and I am excellent. However, I have to live with my cousin who is full of FAIL because my parents are THE DED in a dreadful spacehopper accident chiz chiz

D. Dursley: I h8 you H. Potter you spazzer. Oh, I am turned into a pig. FFS

H. Potter: TEH Magik – I haz it

Hagrid: Come with me if you want to live

H. Potter: What? And travel on public transport? Have you gone stark raving shitty?

Dumbledore: Welcome to St Custards, H Potter, oh great and noble wizard grovel grovel fawn grovel. I was there when your parents were totally MURDERED TO DETH, you kno.

H. Potter: Wait... what?

D. Dore: Oh, nothing. Nothing. Ha ha ha ha haha. Yes. Is there anything we can do for you, o great one?

H. Potter: Yes. I want a posse. An EXCELLENT posse FFS

H. Grainger: Hello. I am H. Grainger and I am excellent. Plz to wait until episode six when I am TEH LEGAL

R. Weasley: Hello. I am Ron Weasley and I am a wet and a weed and sa helo trees helo sky helo flowers chiz chiz.

H. Potter: ARSE. A geek and a ginge. FAIL

R. Weasley: I'm not ginge. I'm strawberry blond FFS. And I've got a flying car, you know.

H. Potter: It's a Ford Anglia, you dick. If you're so good at TEH MAGIK, why isn't it a sodding Veyron? You'll be telling me you've got a MAGIK owl that delivers your post next

R.Weasley: Letter for you, mate. And half a dead mouse

Snape: Quiet Potter. I could kill you TO DETH with a look. Also: Plain blip for numskulls chiz chiz

H. Potter: W00t! I am teh best in teh world at Quidditch, a minority sport played only at posh boarding schools

Prof McGonagagagall: Stop staring at my golden snitch H. Potter LOL

H. Potter: LOLminge

Meanwhile, back in the Griffindor common room:

R. Weasley: Here, try this Butter Beer. Itsh 90 per cent proof

H. Potter: No thanks, I'm on the Wizard's Whisky. I'm designated driver for the flying Bugatti Veyron. You've gotta be proper bollocksed for that. Yer me best mate *bowk*

H. Grainger: Magic Mushroom, anyone? Let's all dance around the whomping willow and sing songs about ponies

H.Potter and R.Weasley: EeeeeeW!

Meanwhile, back at the plot:

Voldemort: LOLOL I am coming back to do TEH EVIL through the medium of a series of sub-Dan Brown riddles and the plumbing in the boys' toilets. Also: Some shit about Death-Eaters

H. Potter: I am going to stop you with TEH MAGIK, FTW

Voldemort: Oh spoons, FAIL again

This year's Dark Arts teacher: Curses. Exposed as an agent of TEH EVIL VOLDEMORT by H. Potter. I'll be off then

D. Dore: Here, have TEH House Cup

Malfoy: Gah. What a girly swat

Ginny Weasley: Sigh, he's SUCH a dish

H. Potter: And now for a feast, eh readers?

One year later:

Voldemort: Coming back – EVIL - sub-Dan Brown riddles - boys' toilets

H. Potter: TEH MAGIK, FTW

Voldemort: FAIL

Dark Arts teacher: Curses. Offski

D. Dore: House Cup

Malfoy: Girly swat

G. Weasley: Dish

H. Potter: Feast

Repeat for the next four years, until:

Voldemort: Heh. I'm really back this time, readers, and H. Potter's too busy pulling himself off over the Grattan catalogue to notice

D. Dore: Oh. I am TEH DED, and not O. Kenobi DED either. Proper DED

Snape: I, too, am TEH DED. What a bollock

Voldemort: LOLOLOL. Now for some proper EVIL. Also: ROFFLE

H. Grainger: Not if I've got anything to do with it, you big bully

Voldemort: Hel-lo! Also: A hub a hub a hub a hub hub hub

H. Grainger: Actually, I find you strangely irresistible

Voldemort: As a matter of fact, I've decided to scrap my plans for a magical reign of TERROR and spend the rest of my days playing nudey prod games with H. Grainger. Phallus Engorgio!

H. Grainger: Oooh. He's such a hunk. All-my-clothes-fall-offio!

R. Weasley: Hey! What about me? We're supposed to be getting married

H. Grainger: Eff off ginger pubes, I'm busy

R. Weasley: I'm not ginger. I'm strawberry blond

H. Potter: Stand back naked H. Grainger, I'll stop this evil cur with MAGIK! You killed my father!

Voldemort: No, Potter, I AM your father

H. Potter: Noooooooooooooo! Really?

Voldemort: LOL. Not really. Turn-Harry-Potter-Inside-Outio!

H. Potter: EPIC FAIL, you bastard

H. Grainger: LOL PMSL

Voldemort: Now, where were we? *raises eyebrow*

END

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