On tasty, nutrition-free calories

On tasty, nutrition-free calories

I am, dear reader, inclined to change the name of our abode from Scaryduck Towers to the all-caps, partly bold PLANET EXCELLENT.

This is because of the EXCELLENT ideas that keep spilling out of my head which will mean that this time next year, Rodders, we'll be millionaires.

So, you'll not be surprised in the slightest to hear of my latest plan, which I have already sent to this proud nation's finest purveyors of snack foods.

God, I'm excellent.


Dear Mr Ginsters

Here's how much I like your famous Cornish Pasties: Quite a bit.

I have noticed that while you have branched out from the traditional Cornish into such BLASPHEMIES as Cheese and Onion, it is pleasing to see that you have avoided all this Chicken Tikka bollocks that other manufacturers are pumping into their products.

However, I believe there is one product line to which you can extend your product range which will be innovative, whilst retaining the customs of which your company is justifiably proud.

I, refer, of course to the great Cornish customs that are pasties and road kill - together at last!

Where would Cornish cuisine be – I ask – without freshly skinned and roasted badger peeled from the A30 and served with a side-order of something uncertain that was, at some stage, a cat?

There's also good eating on hedgehogs, so I'd be advising your delivery drivers to improve their aim, if I were you.

And let's not forget the summer invasion of Kernow by New Age types in their MOT-failure VW Combis. You could almost get away with calling them "hand-reared, corn-fed and organically farmed" with all the mung bean casserole sloshing around inside them.

With a skilful ad campaign, I can see you cornering the market in nutrition-free calories with these Roadkill Pasties, and you won't hear a word of complaint from Jamie Oliver. Honestly, I warned him anything could happen if he kept zipping about on that scooter of his. And it did.

I look forward to your reply and *cough* big fat cheque *cough*

Your pal

Albert O'Balsam


Dear Mr O'Balsam

Sadly your idea was patented in the United Kingdom some years ago by a major High Street burger chain.

Life's a bastard, isn't it?

Your Pal

Albert O'Ginster