On lunchtime meetings

On lunchtime meetings

I love my job. I love the people with whom I work.

But.

It's got to be said: Who keeps scheduling lunchtime meetings?

I'm a big fan of lunch, finding it useful for things like pie, cake and tea, and not useful for things like discussing Any Other Business and the "Who's going to keep the minutes" stare-out.

It has already been suggested that lunchtime meetings could be avoided with a simple refusal. However, refusal leads to your knees being nailed to the desk, which leads to anger, which leads to The Dark Side. So, I am there, Stare-out King, taking notes on a sheet of paper headed Things to do to People Who Schedule Meetings at Lunch Times.

And here it is, corrected only for spelling and the bits where I crayoned outside the lines.

Things to do to People Who Schedule Meetings at Lunch Times

1. Lock them in a room with a load of killer wasps. Get some action points out of THAT.

2. Plug them into the mains through a badly-wired power-point display. BUZZ-word bingo LOL!

3. Disembowel them with a sharpened clipboard and run their innards up the flagpole in the car park. Try running THAT up the flagpole.

4. Shut their fingers in the lift doors and send it up to the 37th floor. Try helping yourself to the fingerbuffet without having any actual fingers!

5. Wait until they're asleep, then rewire their brain using the Readers Digest Guide to Rewiring Your Home as a guide. Hope you like brainstorming, pal!

6. Stove them to death with the overhead projector and leave their body tied to the lectern pour encourager les autres - No.1 item on the agenda – Can I have your laptop?!!!

Don't get me started on meetings scheduled for a) mornings, b) afternoons or c) any other time of day not specified

I am not mad.