On not getting visited by TV's John and Edward, who must die

On not getting visited by TV's John and Edward, who must die

Friday. Home time. Relax time. Leave-me-alone-you-bastards time. What I don't need is...

*ding dong*

"Gooooood evening, sir!"

People who use that many 'o's in 'Good evening' are clearly marked for death, and I shall make it my business to tell them.

I flick on the porch light to find myself confronted with a pair of almost identical suited young men clutching clipboards.

Slightly too smart; slightly too much gel in their hair; slightly too many exclamation marks on their name tags; far too pleased with themselves.

They can be only one of two things – X Factor annoyances John and Edward (who must die), or...

"Gooooood evening, sir! Have you considered changing your telephone provider?"

"Thank fuck for that. I thought you were Jehovah's Witnesses

And:

"Stop looking like Jehovah's Witnesses, you might scare people."

And:

"Stop looking like John and Edward (who must die), you might end up dead."

And:

"I'll sign anything. Now bugger off."