On sticking your nose into Association Football where it's not wanted, yet again

On sticking your nose into Association Football where it's not wanted, yet again

Did you see North Korea in the World Cup? No, neither did they. However, the team's early exit from the competition in South Africa has not gone down too well at home, as this letter from Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to the head honcho at football's governing body FIFA proves:

Dear Sepp Blatter,

Thank you for having my lads at the World Cup. They had a great time, and I can assure you that none of them are currently hanging upside-down in the P'yongyang Workers Re-education and Correction Centre having molten Tupperware plastic poured over their bare feet. Because they're not.

Please let me address a few issues regarding the treatment of Best Korea at your shoddily-organised event which exists solely to perpetuate the capitalist Yankee running-dog puppet entity to the detriment of our proud military-first Juche-inspired socialist paradise.

The problem is this: Imagine, if you will, that you are one of my squad of proud-worker soldiers, their hearts bursting in pride at serving their Motherland and Dear Leader with re-doubled efforts and patriotic vigour as they take to the pitch for their first match against the traitor capitalist lackeys from Brazil chanting "Let us defend with our lives the everlasting patriotic revolution headed by Great Comrade Kim Jong Il!"

Imagine their deep joy, their spirits uplifted by the memory of Eternal Leader Kim Il-Sung as they emerge from the tunnel to the sound of ten thousand vuvuzelas, manufactured with soaring pride in the Kaesong No.216 Workers Vuvuzela Machine Complex by proud worker-soldiers, striking fear in the heart of the bestial Yankee aggressors with a wall of sound that sings "The Joy of Bumper Harvest Overflows Amidst the Song of Mechanisation" to the masses of the world.

Imagine, then, their dismay as they realise that the 300-foot statues of the sisters Minogue - undraped in reverence to their naked enthusiasm for the Dear Leader's undying efforts to unite the Korean people through unprecedented innovations in production and construction - used as goalposts in their four-year training camp in the shadow of sacred Mount Paektu - have been replaced by a few lengths of wood and netting by your criminal warmonger clique.

No wonder they only won 27-0, as copious video replays from the P'yongyang Workers No.1 Juche Video Editing Concern have proven.

And since the match against the molten, smoking radioactive pit that was - until about five minutes ago - Portugal can now be deemed null-and-void, it is only correct that Best Korea should be named 2010 and Eternal World Champions.

Sort it out you big Swiss pansy, or I'll come round and spaff in your fondue.

Be lucky.

Your pal,

Kim Jong-Il

Well, that's that sorted then.