CHRISTMAS ROUND ROBIN LETTER 2011

Yes, that time of year again, when an expensive-looking Christmas card with a none-too-discrete charity logo comes through your letterbox. And out of the card falls that folded sheet of paper that you dread: The smug Christmas Round Robin Letter from those distant relatives that makes them look like they are living the life of Riley.

Dad's been promoted. Mum's running the school committee, and Tabitha and Tarquin are already on their way to the top of the Young Conservatives. These people should been fed to baboons, the baboons sand-blasted to death, and the remains displayed in the Tate Modern, being the only language these curs understand.

Luckily for the rest of you,I'm not in much of a position to write a smug Christmas Round Robin letter this year, so I thought I'd just send out the highlights of the letters I've already received.

Ayman Al-Zawahiri: "Then they made me the head of Al-Qaeda, which was nice."

Mu'ammar Gaddafi: "Spent an amazing year travelling, the research for my upcoming book "Great water pipes of Northern Libya" is really coming along. Sayf Al-Islam watching the fort back home!!!"

James Murdoch: "I have no recollection of doing anything at all in 2011, or any other year for that matter"

Kim Jong-Il (Pre-death, the inconsiderate git): "My lad Kim Jong-Un's come on leaps and bounds since I made him the Minister of Bacon Production back in March. I can't tell you how proud I am to see his lovely, round beaming face of the morning as he tests the latest output from the P'yongyang No.1 Worker-Soldier Pig Farm Collective. The servants look so emaciated these days, despite their hearty choruses of 'We will utterly destroy the US-backed puppet regime, our hearts burning with desire for the Great Leader and his Military First policy of self-determination!'"

Ryan Giggs: "Then we won another game and I shagged ****** ****** and we won another game and I shagged ****** ****** and then we won another game and I shagged ****** ****** then had a big fight with my brother then we won another game and I shagged..."

David Cameron: "And then Samantha went roller-skating with some poor people and didn't fall over at all, and she came home and we laughed and laughed and laughed over the quails' eggs because it proved we really are all in this together. Went to Tuscany for hols, leaving Nick in charge. Took the plug off the photocopier just in case he got any ideas."

Lady Gaga: "Looking forward to moving into my new mansion made entirely out of meat, just as soon as my people have killed it"

God: "Looked downstairs, people still worshipping me despite all the wars, earthquakes and destruction I send. What a bunch of mugs!!!! My lad Jesus keeps asking me about that "second coming" gap year trip I keep promising, Mary and I might actually let him go next year, providing he does something useful with it, such as a bit of Old Testament smiting. Shame I wiped all the Midianites, he might have to take on the Welsh instead."

Yeah, that's nailed it.