A Scaryduck Guide: How to score yourself free food

With food prices going through the roof - including the heinous slapping of VAT onto pasties and sausage rolls that has bloaters the breadth of the country crying into their slimmers' shakes - it will not be long before our society is plunged into a free-for-all of survival of the fittest. Also, fattest.

This being the case, it is of the first importance that you make the pound in your pocket go just that little bit further. Which means looking at ways of getting food down your neck for as little as possible. We're not huge fans of fishing through bins behind supermarkets and restaurants, simply because it is a pastime that has become so popular these days you've got a three hour queue before your allotted thirty seconds of bin-diving. No thanks.

Why not go direct to source, and get fed by people giving you food, more-or-less willingly?

Dress up as a duck and stand at the back at the duck pond. Presto! All the bread you can eat!
Degree of difficulty: Make the effort to actually look like a duck. A Derek Zoolander duck face does not a convincing duck make

Dress up as a tiger and stand at the back at zoo feeding time. Presto! All the free meat you'd ever want!
Degree of difficulty: Do this at you own risk, your getting away with this stunt is entirely dependent on a) the zoo keepers forgetting how many tigers they've got b) the other tigers not realising that you are made of tasty, tasty meat. You might also wish to develop a taste for raw antelope bum

Dress up as Hamburglar and run amok through your local McDonalds restaurant in some kind of demented trolley dash
Degree of difficulty: You might also wish to develop a taste for raw antelope bum and/or burgers
Other degree of diffculty: You might also wish to develop a taste for prison food and surprise bum sex

Alternatively, there's loads of pretty red mushrooms in the woods behind our house. What could possibly go wrong?