The Spy Who Loved xXx

Good grief, I haven't lived. There are DOZENS of brainless action movies out there I'm seeing for the first time in my life. It's a hard, gormless slog, but I'm getting there, and seeing these films from a slightly different angle to most other viewers.

One film which I witnessed for the first time recently is the Vin Diesel action thriller xXx, which is surely one of the greatest moving pictures of the modern era. However, coming into it as an xXx virgin, I soon realise that it is a direct cut-and-shut copy of another movie great, Roger Moore's finest moment: The Spy Who Loved Me

Let's compare and contrast

xXx: Vin Diesel falls in love with Russian spy
TSWLM: Roger Moore falls in love with Russian spy

xXx: Vin Diesel's code name is XXX
TSWLM: Russian spy's code name is XXX

xXx: Exciting snow chase sequence
TSWLM: Exciting snow chase sequence

xXx: Escapes from helicopter attack on a motorbike
TSWLM: Escapes from helicopter attack in a car

xXx: Vin Diesel has stars and stripes parachute
TSWLM: Roger Moore has Union flag parachute

xXx: Villain has secret plan to destroy humanity with (a frankly rubbish) submarine
TSWLM: Villain has secret plan to destroy humanity with nuclear submarines

xXx:Vin Diesel's cover is blown almost immediately
TSWLM: Roger Moore's Bond was the worst undercover agent ever

xXx: Lengthy scene in which Vin Diesel is shown unusual weapons
TSWLM: "Now, listen carefully 007"

xXx: American muscle car with loads of added weapons
TSWLM: British sports car with loads of added weapons

xXx: Comes up against bad guy with golden dentures
TSWLM: Jaws

xXx:Closing scene in which Diesel and Russian spy enjoy passionate embrace whilst being unwittingly observed by superiors
TSWLM: Closing scene in which Roger Moore and Russian spy enjoy passionate embrace whilst being unwittingly observed by superiors

Any discussion on the cinematic delight that is xXx cannot pass without mention of two things:

1. The Russian villain wears his hair in a black curly mullet in a clear tribute to 1980s antiques-and-crime drama Lovejoy.

2. A solar-powered submarine? What kind of useless evil genius invents a solar-powered submarine? A solar-powered submarine (and I don't mind spoilering the ending here) which explodes the second it goes underwater

.My rating: 1 out of 10. A brainless action movie classic.