Scooby Doo business plan

This ACTUALLY HAPPENED*

"So," said the bank manager, "you're opening a shop. Can I see your business plan?"

He is shown the business plan, and frowns.

"Is this it? You're just going to sell stuff and hope to stay afloat in THIS financial climate? How are you going to eliminate your competitors?"

"What?"

"It's war out there. How are you going to drive them away?"

"I.. Err.."

Bankie smiled that smug smile you only ever see on George Osbourne's face when he's after the blood of your first born. "We recommend the Scooby Doo plan. Spread rumours about a monster. Dress up as a monster and scare all your competitors' customers away. Monsters."

I am aghast.

"I am aghast. I don't think that's actually ethical. We're an ethical business and..."

"Ethical never made a profit. Why do you think the library is the only book outlet in town?"

"Because they're free?"

"Because of the Waterstones Zombie," the suited devil says. "No one dare set foot in there, and Old Man Jenkinson at the library is coining it in on the overdue charges."

I am still aghast, and slightly disgusted.

"I am still aghast, and slightly disgusted. I don't think I should be banking here if that's the advice you give."

"You could go elsewhere but..." he leered.

"But?"

"Four words: NatWest bank vault vampire"

By the short and curlies.

*Didn't actually happen