Quack Alert: Get your remote healing hands off my dog

I'm a big fan of dodgy faith healing bollocks (For eg, I hate it with a passion) and I always thought there was nothing left out there to make me sit up and scream "WHAT THE ACTUAL FLIP*!" at my screen.
 
Then I saw Remote Reiki Healing FOR PETS.
 
I repeat: REIKI HEALING FOR PETS

I won't link you to the several practitioners who claim to offer this vital healing process, because I dare say they'll get cross and send me strongly-worded legal letters, the stock knee-jerk reaction of quacks when they get called out for offering dangerous bollocks.

And gold-plated bollocks is exactly what it is. Reiki is a form of healing where patients believe they are being cured of all sorts of ailments through ther laying-on of hands and the transfer of (cough) universal energy, when they are, in fact, getting a nice non-sexy massage. You get what you pay for, and what you get is indeed nice, relaxing laying-on of hands and somebody telling you that you're not going to die.

Remote Reiki Healing is exactly the same, only without the laying-on of hands. From what I can tell, you send the nice Reiki Master (or Mistress) some money, and they will send you some Universal Energy by thinking nice thoughts, and not - I repeat - NOT thinking about what an enormous mug you might be.

Remote Reiki Healing For Pets, one presumes, is exactly the same, only they think nice thought about your dog, and not - I repeat - NOT thinking about what an enormous mug you most certainly are.

This is a thing. An Actual Thing, which people believe is real and are happy to pay out genuine cash money to people with a certificate. All these people are allowed to breed, vote in elections and live in the same town as the rest of us.

All we need now is homeopathic remote reiki healing for pets in sugar pill form and the Circle of Derp will be complete, and we might as well start burning witches again.

* FUCK