On the danger lurking at your children's pantomime performance

Something must be done.

The police. The government. The Daily Mail. Anybody.
 
You see, it's this: Every year I used to take the kids to the Panto at Christmas. It was always fun, we had a great time, and it rounded off Christmas superbly. But one thing always seemed to nag me. Something disturbing.

Then it hit me. It was always the "Buttons" character - the rough-and-tumble comedian who acted as the warm-up act at various parts of the show to keep the kids screaming with laughter. There's something wrong with Buttons. And it's this:

Enter BUTTONS

Buttons: Hi gang!

Yeah. "Gang".

Not the fun idea of a kids' gang having larks in the school field. But LA-style gang culture, drinking crack and shooting up more crack, and shooting people completely to DEATH over crack while living in a crack house with a dog on crack. Have you got your gang colours? Have you got your gun? What about your crack? That kid next to you has crack. Kill him for his crack. Pop a cap in his sorry ass for crack.

That's what Buttons is saying. That's what Buttons is telling middle-class kids up and down the country. It's OK to join a gang. Join a gang and get some crack. First one's free, as long as you join the turf war against Keith Chegwin doing Aladdin in Swindon, over crack.

And don't get me started on Widow T Wanky. She's all about the crack as well.

Crack.