The UK Citizenship Test Revisited

 

I see the government has launched a simplified version of Life in the UK, the test for people mental enough to want to become a British citizen. 

Gone are the nonsensical questions from the previous test ("Explain, drawing from your knowledge of Agrarian Reform, how the Industrial Revolution changed the master-peasant relationship in the second half of 19th Century England") to be replaced by new ones with a more meaning for today's modern Brits. 

Let's see what's prospective Britons are being asked: 

Daddy or chips? (The only question to remain from the previous test)

 

What is the average airspeed of a fully laden swallow? 

What is Victoria Beckham's nickname? 

a) Posh 

b) Skeletor 

c) The one that can't sing 

Which one out of Ant and Dec is Dec? 

Trick question: Do you own any Gary Glitter records? 

Who held the TV rights the last time Spurs won the league? 

a) Sky 

b) BBC 

c) Pathe News 

I own a black and white dog. What can you deduce from this statement? 

a) I am one of millions of UK dog owners 

b) I probably don't own a cat 

c) The licence is cheaper than a colour one 

How do you say "scone"? 

a) To rhyme with "gone" 

b) To rhyme with "cone" 

c) "Tea cake" 

Where is Adolf Hitler's other ball? 

a) In the Reichs Chancellory Ballroom 

b) Nobody knows 

c) In the Albert Hall 

Are you a Benny tied to a tree? 

Have you got Skill?

Czy wiesz, dobre hydraulika?

 

To be honest, no bugger's going to get into the country at this rate.