In which I finally reveal my political stripe

I might as well come lean about my political allegiances. Despite being warned to stay politically neutral on my social media footprint, I might as well come clean: Monster Raving Loony Party.

They're the political lunatics that it's OK to like, far better than the swivel-eyed loons that stand for certain fringe parties. You know: The BNP, UKIP, the Conservatives, the Lib Dems. Oh yes, Labour as well. We've got a Loony councillor in Fleet – party leader Alan 'Howling Laud' Hope, no less, and the place still hasn't burned down.

The thing about the Loonies, apart from the fact that they seem to try too hard to display their loony credentials (perhaps they need a New Loony makeover without the big hats and enforced jollity), is that their policies, given enough time to mature, often become reality. Pet passports, for one. And frankly, when elected, they fare much better in office than some parties who can't be bothered to show up for meetings *cough* BNP *cough*.

So, you ask, have you go any policy ideas?

Yes. Yes I have.

1. IMMIGRATION: Certain swivel-eyed parties have suggested a total ban on immigration. This is because they are pillocks. Instead of barring people from this country, we should be welcoming them, but based on their shoe size only. That way we can address the crippling circus clown shortage with those of massive shoe size, while easing the over-supply of ballerinas. Stick that in yer pipe, Farage and Griffin

2. CULTURE and DEFENCE: I propose a Comprehensive Eurovision Treaty with our former Soviet foes. Simply, I am certain an agreement can be reached that Russia and the small roped-off areas it used to rule vote for the UK in Eurovision - despite how badly our song stinks up the airwaves, in return for a blind eye being turned on certain human rights issues and the massing of armed forces in sensitive border areas. I am positive that the benefits will outweigh a 300% rise in winter gas tariffs.

3. GAY MARRIAGE: I'm all for it. All for it to such an extent that despite being straight, I want one because it sounds fabulous. Hitler was straight and married (for all of five minutes) and he was TERRIBLE. QED.

VOTE LOONY. I'll be the one in the sharp suit, carrying an iPad and looking businesslike. With a duck on my head