Pope Francis Facts

He's mad! He's hilarious! He's Pope Francis I, leader over over a billion Roman Catholics! Little is known about this cardinal from Argentina (apart from the whole pages about him in Wikipedia), so here's some facts if you're Pope Curious and don't know what to do:

FACT: The Argentinan Pope's favourite Star Trek captain is Jean-Luc Picard. As an odd-numbered Pope, he is acutely aware that the Odd/Even Sequels Rule applies to Pontiffs as much as it does to Star Trek movies

FACT: As a little-known priest he spent two seasons as goalkeeper for Derby County

FACT: Pope Francis has no opinion on the 1990s 'shoegaze' movement that brought us such bands as My Bloody Valentine and Ride

FACT: Pope Francis spent over £100,000 on two painful years of surgery so he could look like his comedy idol Jim Bowen. Previously, he worked as a Ronnie Barker lookalike

FACT: Pope Francis' first job at the Vatican will be to have anybody selling "Frankie Says" T-Shirts burned as blasphemers

FACT: Pope Francis once saw a nun, and had to spend the rest of the afternoon in a whisky-induced coma

FACT: Pope Francis is the voice of the Buenos Aires speaking clock

FACT: Before finding fame as the Pope, Francis gained a cult following as host of the Argentine version of "Cash in the Attic"

FACT: Pope Francis makes pin money on craft website Etsy by selling wind chimes made from old AOL discs

FACT: Pope Francis always tries to get his catchphrase "Amen, mofo" into every sermon. Listen out for it

FACT: The Pope can instantly transfer himself back to Argentina by tapping his red shoes together and saying "There's no place like home"

Let's hear it for the new Pope!

"Huh!" I hear you say, "You wouldn't say all that if the Pope was Muslamic, would you?"

Yes I would:

FACT: The Muslamic Pope is a bumface

Come and get me, Al-Qaeda