The Search for the Next Great TV Detective

There's never a good TV detective drama on these days.

That's mainly because all the best ideas have gone. For example:

Rosemary and Thyme - In which two middle-aged women solve crimes through their knowledge of ornamental gardens

Pie in the Sky - In which Richard Griffiths solves crimes through his knowledge of gourmet cooking

Bergerac - In which Bergerac solves crimes through his knowledge of off-shore tax affairs

Midsomer Murders - In which Bergerac solves crimes through his knowledge of letting serial killers get on with it until there's nobody else left alive

This leaves precious few good ideas for the aspiring TV writer. That's why - as a public service - I've come up with these

Trigger, P.I. - Only Fools and Horses spin-off, in which Roger Lloyd-Pack solves crime through his knowledge of street-sweeping

They Ain't 'Alf Shot, Mum - In which former concert party singer Gunner 'Lofty' Sugden solves crimes through his knowledge of pith helmets

Cowell and Walsh - In which two X Factor judges investigate a series of murders at Boot Camp, through their knowledge of bad cover cover versions of popular songs. An allegory for the state of the entertainment industry in the second decade of the 21st Century

Acorah: Psychic Police - TV dead botherer Derek Acorah attempts to solve crime through his knowledge of speaking to the recently departed, but frustrated as hard-nosed Detective Inspector repeatedly refuses to use "They say they're at peace now" in a court of law

That lot ought to keep ITV4 in repeats until doomsday. Let's make TV!