X FACTOR FACTS

It's the TV talent show for the easily pleased that's sweeping the world! But did you know...

* According to the laws of music, if Louis Walsh tells a contestant that they've "made that song your own", all other versions immediately cease to exist. Bad news if you're Celine Dion.

* The programme was rocked by a scandal several years ago when a band turned up for the auditions with their own instruments and several songs they claim to have written themselves. After the crucifixions, the incident was never spoken of again

* Among previous X Factor winners entirely forgotten by the British public is the boy band Freshly Shaved And Oiled Hunks. They were last seen headlining a jumble sale in a church hall.

* The Dutch version of the programme is the all-nude XXX Factor, and make up your own punchline

* The X Factor is just a diversionary tactic by the shadowy Illuminati organisation to divert the public's attention away from the issues that are properly important. All the real action goes on in The Y Factor.

* Shocked at falling ratings, producers will probably drop the unpopular Al-Qaeda Week next year.

* Simon Cowell's absence from the show this year is being cited as a reason why fewer people are tuning in. However, he dare not set foot in the country after being indicted by the Hague War Crimes Tribunal for inflicting Jedward on the British people.

* The studio audience aren't screaming because they're excited by the occasion. They've been locked in the studio since the first show in 2004, and are appealing for somebody, anybody to come to their rescue.

* The North Korean version of the show is called The Kim Factor, and has been won by Kim Jong-un for the last three years, after all his rivals mysteriously died in separate and totally coincidental bear attacks.

* To spice up ratings next year, "Deadlock" is to be replaced with "One-on-one battle to the death with a bear".

Let's hear it for The X Factor!!!