The All-New Worst Thing In The World

I've just discovered something terrible that I really like. And it really is truly awful.

I get to read an awful lot of local newspaper stories in my search for the finest photos of angry people for the general public's delight. Often – and against my better judgement - my attention wanders down to the bottom half of the page as I think to myself "Are there any decent comments to this one?"

I should know by now that the answer is almost invariably "No, you idiot", and that the comments are filled with the kind of armchair general that makes you thankful that they are not running the country.

The worst thing you can be in the eyes of the typical newspaper commenter is an "attention seeker". You may be in the papers to question the fact that the addition of rotating knives at pedestrian crossings outside schools could – when you think about it – be A Bad Thing, but to Mr Common Cence, ENGLAND, you are the worst person in the world for sticking your head over the parapet, and get a job you dole scum.

However, it has struck me that there is a lower level to this particular Hell, and it is this: Local Newspaper Commenters Who Want To Mete Out Justice.

Local Newspaper Commenters Who Want To Mete Out Justice don't trust the police or the courts. They are nothing but woolly lefties who are only in their jobs for their cushy pensions and have no idea what they're doing. The prospect of some yobbo being handed a community sentence or a fine makes them purple with fury, and – in their glorious Nigel-inspired revolution – these disrespectful curs would be clapped in irons and hung from the town bridge as a warning to others.

I've started to make a collection of some of these hopeful additions to the magistrates' bench, and you'd better hope they never get a job there.

Railway vandals: They should be rounded up, taken off the dole and put to work cleaning the sewers for a while!

Sex offender: Cut off his hands so he can't fiddle with himself, and cut off his feet so he can't leave the house

Animal cruelty: Find the guy and shoot him in the face with a crossbow I say, see how he likes it...

Joanna Lumley: We can then all line up and ask her who she going to murder first...... then we can all throw rotten tomatoes etc at her, lol.

Violent offender jailed: Lethal injection,,,, job done no more inconvenience for anybody (Note the multiple commas, always a sign of being a bit UKIP)

Young boy robbed: I'd love to pull a cheese wire as tight as I could round the base of this wankers testi-satchel.

The perennial classic: Is this a reason to bring back the birch?

More as I see them, because I'm an attention seeker.